I’m not thinking about him just to think about him, I’m not thinking about him because he’s permanently on my mind, and I’m not thinking about him just for the hell of it. I’m thinking about him because I’m disturbed. My insides feel like they’ll turn outside and not in a good way. He is MARRIED. He is loved and he is happy. Is it not enough that I sit in silence waiting for him to realize what he’s missed out on? The guy whom I always tried to avoid, suddenly appears in my life out of thin air at the most inconvenient of moments?! I don’t need to see him. But I need to see him, at least a little bit. It’s so very weird knowing that I’ve tried to hard to avoid him to no end, only to be faced with a dead end and no way out. He’s MARRIED. That smirk on his face needs to be replaced. Is it because I work in a shop he has to go to sometimes; and he feels high and mighty sitting on his throne of lies? Is it because I can’t even look at him through a window, But he can’t even look at me either. I’m withering away into nothing while he’s probably planing a family with her. He’s married. And it’s not to me (not that I ever asked for that in the first place).
Boy does it feel sweet
And boy does it feel sweet
Being the girl everyone wanted
To being the girl some people may so much as glance at
Best of both worlds
But when boy number one walked away, found a new person to ignite that flame…
While boy number two returned to his Love, for life.
And lastly boy number 3 just didn’t turn out how she thought he’d be.
Friends. 1/3 ain’t bad she says.
It’s not that there’s this urge to scream due to all the crud that happened over the last 5 years alone, be it over 10 with another lover.
But the truth is, she didn’t quite know any of them as well as she’d hoped she did.
The first one, maybe, the third one definitely more than anyone she’s ever known before; but the second. The second ripped her heart to shreds and didn’t so much as look in her direction as he passed by so casually.
What was it he said?
“If you touch her I’ll k*ll you.”
Yeah, not me.
Had to be his Love he was talking about.
Either way, it all burned in her memories until it didn’t anymore.
Now she just anticipates the future, the hope she once had in her sings again as both boy number 1 and boy number 2 are married and freeing her from those shackles of shame and self-doubt.
Thank God that is over.
Seriously.
It couldn’t have been more harrowing if it tried.
And the thing is— what got her into this predicament with the first 2 specifically wasn’t that she was obsessed. It’s actually quite the opposite.
She ignored them for a good long while, she imagined what it would be like to talk to them, speak to them as if she made any sense in the first place… she was fixated on love but had no intent to give it until she knew it was right.
And she looked at boy number 3, and thought of boy number 2. Boy number 2, and thought of boy number 1.
And so on and so forth.
Do you see the issue?
It was this constant state of fear and crippling anxiety that crept up on her… depressing, really. To think she couldn’t even let an ounce of love in, and why? Because she was hung up on the last guy.
So when she saw that boy number 1 and boy number 2 got married to their people they chose, she thought to herself: they’re missing out.
But, she also thought “Thank God.”
Taking time away
Tick tick tock.
I step outside to face the sun and I’m faced with another element
I want nothing more than to find my person
Yet I haven’t considered that one day they’ll find me
I know that things happen with time
And I need to be patient
But part of me also feels
It’s time to step away
For a year.
Focus on myself,
Focus on my health,
My friendships,
My savings
My goals.
Taking care of inner me
Before I focus on taking care of an outer person
Maybe this is just a thought
Or maybe this is realization.
You Lost Me, and I Lost you
He truly broke my heart, my confidence in love, and the love I was saving.
He sings of someone being mean and I start thinking of how he called me mean once.
I loved you.
Those x number of years spent laughing at your jokes whether you knew or not, getting Superman ice cream and thinking of you… thinking to myself you could do something with your life if you just applied yourself.
You’re amazing, more than you give yourself credit for.
I don’t understand.
I really genuinely don’t.
I felt, at one point, that God sent you to me, but then I met someone else in college and thought maybe not…
But you were the first love I ever had.
Not him.
It hurts.
And now you’re married, and you’re happy, and I told you I’m happy for you, because that’s all I ever wanted you to be, was happy.
I guess I can’t say you ever felt that for me, because I simply don’t have that answer.
But please know, I care, I’ve always cared, and I always will care.
Take care of yourself, you really deserve the best.
You dealt the cards, and I didn’t bother to pick them up.
UNTITLED 10/30/2014
I finally saw you again
It was in my dreams last night
You came running towards me
And held me tight
Just like last time
Just like last time
I remember you’re face perfectly,
My heart free with uncertainty
The last time I saw you was in a dream
The world was collapsing
All around us
But you managed to find me
Everything was okay for that little moment of disdain
And as you held me tight
I knew
This is right
This is right
I wish I could see you again
You’ve popped up in my dreams again but that’s not reality
It wasn’t you here, holding me
It’s silly, I know
To want something I never had in the first place
Or at least if I did it got lost without a trace
But you’ve come back to me
It means I must not have completely lost you
What this dream means, I’m not sure
But I know we couldn’t have said our last words.
She took you out from under me
She played with your heart like you were a puppet on a string
Yes those are the words she said to me
It broke my heart, to know you loved her unconditionally
And it used to be me
It used to be me
But you’ve wandered back into my life
And I still wonder what you think of me
I remember that note
How you said I was one of the nicest people you know
I never wanted you to go
But I was alone
I was alone
I knew she was what you wanted for a moment
But she never understood you like I do
And as I lay here wondering what could’ve been
I can’t help but wonder if we could’ve been
See, you were too good to be true
So perfect, you never saw what I saw in you
And this girl…she’s stabbed me in the back a few times
But she really took me for a whirl when she decided to give you nothing but lies
And I let her know one time
What she was doing was something I despised
And she knew if
She tried to bandage it
It would fix her mistake
But what she did was only engulf us both in flames.
the other night 10/30/2014
*sidenote: i’m aware of the mistakes in here but i didn’t want to delete them. thx for reading if you did. :)*
The other night
I was goin through a rough time
I thought it was over
Thought there’s nothing more to hope for
But then he came
This brown eyed boy who decided to sweep me away
I don’t know why
But for whatever reason I want you to stay.
I’ve seen you before
Can’t put my finger on it
But your waiting outside my door
And I can’t help but crash to the floor
To think I wasted all my time
On someone that just wasn’t there
And then you strolled in
Made me see
What I was to afraid to believe
Stay.
Be with me tonight
You say you wanna make everything alright.
He stays.
I can see you’re intentions are right.
But tell me why is it me that you desire?
If this is some kind of joke
I’ve been through this before
You put in act
Just to get what you want more, more
But you stay
And you mean it when you ask if everything’s okay, okay
And I know that I sound crazy
But I know that this could turn out right maybe
Beautiful eyes 10/02/2014
You said hey let’s take a drive
No really I don’t mind
I said no that’s okay
Cause I knew you had to go away
I don’t know what is real
I don’t know how to feel
Are we destined to change
Or will things still stay the same
I’m not sure what to think
You’ve got my mind racin’
Now I can’t stop pacin’
Do you think of me late at night?
Wait never mind, never mind
Do you dream of holding me tight?
Wait never mind, never mind
Do you ever think that there’s just been too many signs
And that maybe you belong with me, it’s only right…
Now I’m afraid I may have come undone
But of Course I choose to run
Deny every single thing
As if it never happened to me
But I can’t shove this in a corner
Even though I know you adore her
But tell me, honestly
Do you feel anything?
Have you not felt what I’ve been feeling…
These things don’t just happen
One in a million they say
Maybe it’s just the wrong time, or maybe it’s just too late
And I cannot deny
That I want to try
But I just can’t
I don’t want to hurt her
I know that feeling too well
I’ve been under that spell myself
And I just want to love you
To hug you
But I know it’s just not the right time
Please tell me, maybe one day we can try
But as of now I’ll hold onto your sweet lullaby
And you’re beautiful eyes…
Stars in his eyes
He looks at her with stars in his eyes, but no intention of capturing the moon.
He wonders if she’ll feel the same as he does.
He contemplates every day what it would be like to hold her, touch her, feel her, but once he gets that he’s changed.
He looks at her with a questioning face, as if he doesn’t already know what she’s thinking.
She’s loved him since day one.
And he knows that.
But he never returned the feeling.
Even if she could see it light up in his eyes, like moths to a flame.
To be loved
Writing has always been something I go to when I have too many feelings bubbling up inside. It’s when my sister won’t help me when I’m sick, when my parents blame me for everything, when I myself feel as if I’ve lost just that, myself.
I’m kinda dizzy right now as I’m typing this so I apologize if my words are all messed up… but I’m here to say the only way it will get better is if you make it better.
Just because you put on a smile, that doesn’t fix shit.
Just because he looks at you with that gleam in his eyes does not mean he wants you for life.
Just because you once thought you’d be somebody… doesn’t mean you will be.
But, you Can be somebody to everyday people. You Can be somebody you look up to, yourself. And you Can love others as much as you want to be loved.
I’ve had Enough.
I have had absolutely enough of everyone’s opinions, thoughts, assumptions about me and MY life.
I get depressed, I get anxious, and you know, I have a damn good reason to believe it’s the way I’ve been brought up.
When I was upset, I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone. You know what would happen? My mom would go off and buy me something or another to try to make me happy. That shit is temporary. And it’s toxic.
My dad, would only be concerned with the slamming of doors, and things getting done his way so he could go back to his fucking couch.
I write all of this not out of anger or frustration, but to make a point.
There are better ways to handle speaking to your children, being there for your children, and fucking raising your kids.
For the Love of God, take into consideration how you want them to grow up to treat their own kids.
Would you rather be a lesson, or an example?