Tag Archives: Writing

It doesn’t get to you 

It doesn’t get to you until you step inside the doorway.
It doesn’t get to you until you hear ” I feel the baby kick.” 
And you’re immediate reaction is to place you’re hand on her stomach. 
It doesn’t get to you until the hour long drive back home that feels like a breeze,
But over time grows more and more distant.
It doesn’t get to you until empty spaces are filled with friends of family.
It doesn’t get to you until you look at the backyard and remember looking up instead of down
It doesn’t get to you until you drive down the road you learned to ride you’re bike on.
You’re first wheels. 
It doesn’t get to you until a tiny hand is placed in the palm of yours and you realize, this is the most precious thing. 
It doesn’t get to you until tears well up in you’re eyes and everything stops briefly.
While you’re hand is on her stomach,
And you can envision the life ahead. 
It doesn’t get to you until then. 
It doesn’t even phase you. 
*** Note: I literally just wrote this out of nowhere thinking of earlier today. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it. I hope you all have a good day too. *** 

Love,

           Nat 💖

I Have A Choice

Get this.

I’m wearing this eyeshadow, I’m wearing this full face of makeup, or at least what *I* consider a full face of makeup— for Myself.

I’m not wearing it because social media told me to.

I have a choice.

I have an option of whether or not I want to wear makeup.

Everyone seems to try to pinpoint what is “right” and what is “wrong” all the time, or they try to keep on everyone’s side to seem like they aren’t bias.

Now let me tell you, I care, I do. I care a lot about everyone I meet, what people think of me (semi-sometimes) because everyone feels this way, it’s just natural to care.

Everyone questions “am I good enough, is this winged liner even, do I even feel like wearing foundation today… no, but I’m going to wear it anyways because there’s this cute guy in my class and in order for me to work up the courage to even look at him I have to look inside my soul, find this confidence that’s buried somewhere, and LET IT FREE by wearing whatever make-up makes me feel damn GOOD on this day.”

Yes, that sentence was completely bombastic and slightly unnecessary.

But the key thing to remember out of what I just said is confidence.

Everyone has it, it’s fueled by different things. Me for instance, I do better at life in general when I feel like myself, when I feel good, whether that’s with make-up or without.

There used to be a time where I wore make-up because I felt like I had to. I felt naked without it, or I felt just completely not myself.

And sometimes I still do feel that way, but I’ve noticed the caring on that level has SUNK, let me tell you.

I went out in public, with no makeup, hadn’t washed my hair, I looked like I was going through a crisis slightly, because I kinda sort of was, and I took a smoothie to this guy that sort of liked me but I wanted to be clear we were just friends and I thought he was sweet.

SoooooOoOoooOOOOOO I went back in the house and immediately was asked “what, you went out like that?” and I said “yes, who cares? If he likes me anyways then he needs to see the real me, and accept me, right?”

*laughs at self *

…………………………………

ohhh my goddd

And then the other person just looked at me and smiled probably internally screaming “what happened to you?!?!?!”

But seriously, I’m sitting here telling you that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing to feel good about yourself.

You don’t have to wear a full face of makeup; you don’t even have to wear any make-up.

And yes I know there are girls that exist who do both proudly and props to you, I am that person too—sometimes.

But the truth is, I just love makeup. And, I also just love rubbing my eyes.

Everyone stresses about being liked but it’s all about doing whatever you like— that will help you achieve this happiness and validation you’re searching for.

And if you’re really looking for likes, you need to be yourself. An original, not a copy of a neighbor or celebrity; you’ll be surprised how many positive responses you get when you yourself feel good about what you’re doing, wearing, and putting out into the world.

*P.S. I sort of want to film a video on this, do you have any thoughts on it? Am I missing anything or do you sort of relate to me at all? I’d love to hear. 🙂

Love,

Nat

She’s Me 

She’s silly. 
She’s an absolute goof. 

She stays up watching episode and episode of Doctor Who until she gives into sleep. 

She loves ramen noodles, but only the chicken kind and she eats them with a fork. 

She loves twinkly lights, they give a touch of magic. 

She feels a pounding in her chest when she remembers people from the past, but also people in the present and future. 

She wants to give her parents the world but has no means to do it just yet. 

She loves the sunrise, much more than the sunset. 

She always ties her straw wrapper into a knot to see if anyone’s thinking about her. 

She laughs at anything awkward, tears at anyone’s heartache, and smiles when she finds something funny. 

She feels everything happens for a reason. 

She watches funny YouTube videos to distract from the world when it gets a bit too much. 

She strives to be unique rather than ordinary because ordinary is too simple and bland. 

She’s a girl, in love with the world and everything, and everyone in it. 🌎

I Know, I’m Impossible

You want to know something?

I’ve felt pretty alone (I did have my family, so not entirely) since I was about 16.

Normally, I would say the last couple of years but I need to face reality.

I haven’t been living my life to the fullest.

I’m 20 years old now.

20 years old- the time for a new decade.

I want to make it fun to look back on, not sad.

I’m not a sad person, I know I’m not. I’ve had moments that were really bad where I’ve cried or felt broken for days, so at least I know I’m human.

However, everyone has obstacles.

For me one of the obstacles is loving who I am. I do, but in public I’m incredibly shy so I choose to pretend as if I’m invisible to avoid confrontation and embarrassing the hell out of myself.

But, the thing that builds character is going through these moments. The embarrassing, sad, random moments the universe throws at us.

At least I can say I’ve always tried to handle them in a mature way.

But, sometimes we need to take the route of maturity, not the high road necessarily, but the smart way.

I never want anyone to feel miserable, and I know that I can keep that promise along with one to myself, to just be myself and sometimes letting other people take care of me.

I know, I’m impossible.

But what 20 year olds life doesn’t feel impossible?

There have been some people that in some way, somehow, understand me. And to those people, thank you.

Love,

Nat

A Face Of Truth

Today I put on a face of determination. That includes a flick on the eye, a bold lip for a change, and a smirk. Everyone has different faces for different moments and different environments, but I have only ever had one face. Whether it be painted to the hilt, or bare; I have always had the same face and I will always have the same face. Walking outside, in a world I’m not most familiar with, I am recognized and in turn I am in shock. I was under the impression that wearing a lot of makeup drowns a person and creates a false image, whereas people still recognize me with or without makeup- even when I believe I am painting a false image. It’s because I don’t change my face to the point of it being someone else’s; is what I was told. Facial modes will change given time and given challenges, but I will forever have the same face. I’ve always admired different characters, different books, different stories, simply being different. But maybe I don’t have to be different, because I’m already an original. I will not place myself under my own telescope anymore. I will not listen to those who give me questioning looks, or pick at me from their throne of life’s lies, I am here to be one person and love myslef. I am determined to prove that I only paint a face of truth. 

Happy Accidents

Everything happens for a reason.

While I may not understand the reasoning behind some peoples choices or actions, I know what I am capable of and who I am as a person.

I am not lazy, I am not uptight to the point where if I get something wrong that I hide away, because making a mistake or having an assumption be made of me is simply another step into the direction of where I am meant to go.

The only way to battle someones accusations or negativity towards you is to progress in your own life.

Don’t look back, try to find answers in the moment– but if there is the case where you cannot find answers, know that this is sometimes unavoidable.

Not everyone will have an answer for you, nor will you be able to comprehend why one shuts you out of finding an answer.

But, remember, everything happens for a reason.

Normally when something negative, or a string of negative events occur, it is building up to other opportunities. It is up to you to accept the changes, and welcome the new moments.

The new experiences, whether it be love, a job, a person, or something simple like trying a new candy bar, are all good experiences.

Because they are changes, and people need changes in order to grow.

I know that there are moments where you want to do nothing and lay in your bed because the world has gotten you a little too down– but you aren’t meant to stay there forever.

You are meant to get back up, discover your stability, and keep treading forward because you aren’t meant to have it figured out nor are you meant to figure things out.

Sometimes things happen out of nowhere, and thats okay.

Sometimes there are good mistakes and happy accidents, believe it or not.

How else would the red and blue Nintendo Switch have come about for instance.

Love,

Nat

We Need to Chat about My Future

I am at a loss for words as I sit in the lobby of a building typing this, something that is out of my comfort zone a bit, because I’m not in the comfort of my room let alone in my hometown.

I used to think the dream was to be away from my hometown, to be off on adventures no matter whether it was a hike through some woods, a walk around a city, or on a plane (has happened few times for me) going somewhere entirely different.

I crave adventure.

I want new experiences.

And I want good memories to overshadow my awkward self that I love– but to a degree.

I used to believe I would be stuck forever in my room a shy, self-conscious (during my early teenage years) yet confident person with a desperate need to explore new opportunities and environments. Falling victim to having aspirations and hope, yet eventually with time, no matter how hard I worked or believed, fearing failure.

There is no failing.

Oprah Winfrey didn’t fail as she began her life as a talk show host, producer, actress etc. after being fired at 23 from her first reporting job.

Tina Fey didn’t fail, now a comedian and actress worked at the YMCA age 23.

Stephen King, an iconic author didn’t fail as he lived in a trailer and worked as a janitor age 24.

J.K. Rowling, (another iconic author) of the Harry Potter Series was practically homeless at the age of 28.

Vera Wang, a fashion designer known around the world didn’t design her first dress until age 40.

The late Julia child,  a chef you may have noticed, inspired the movie Julie and Julia and didn’t release her first cook book until age 49.

The late Alan Rickman, was not a widely known actor until age 42 when he landed his first role after deciding to stop pursuing graphic design.

And so on and so on…

So if someone tells me I need to give up and that I’ll never amount to anything– even if that person is me at times– I remind myself of these amazing people who got their start in the middle, and many with struggles.

Everything takes time, the issue is that my time is up on making a decision in regards to college decisions.

Choosing a major, choosing an area of focus, deciding where I’ll live next year and who the hell with, let alone whether or not I want to pursue my dream of traveling despite the realization that I actually like comfort… is mind boggling.

Yes, in a sense that comfort has been ripped away over the last few days, but whose to say it hasn’t been slowly building up over the course of a year.

Also known as, the mid-college crisis.

I know it will get better, but it is incredibly frustrating to remember this as I’m being stretched thin by my own unstable comprehension.

I know I can get through these decisions everyone says not to worry about, but the time is now and plain as day that I can either try for my dream and fail a few times in the process, or I can give up all together and settle.

I’m not one for settling, I’m one for finding an alternate way around a situation so that I can make the most out of what I’ve been given to work with.

Life can be crazy, challenging, and exhausting  but to write our own story we all have to go along with the ride and hope we end up somewhere amazing.

I Look Up To You

I get a call asking me where I am, why I haven’t shown up for work.

I am home.

I am happy.

I am in my car, with my mom, going to pick up my sister from work, and no stress whatsoever.

I’ve just watched “A dog’s purpose.”

Not the best emotional state, but definitely not putting up with these so called “responsibilities” I was never notified about to begin with.

Especially considering I was under the impression I was terminated from my job.

The job that I work 100 percent at every single day, the job that I get truck done (shipments sent to the store weekly) 70% faster than everyone else, the job where I give everyone smiles and respect unless a bad vibe is inevitably present. The job where I take a photo of the schedule every single time I am there, yet due to not being present for a while was unable to do so and was told she would be called if needed and that it was “nothing personal,” although we both know it was.

Even then, I still smile sometimes in hopes of the small chance they’ll smile back.

Offended doesn’t even begin to explain my feelings as I speak to my coworkers, people who used to love me, people I used to talk to and laugh with, who now look at me with a hint of disdain.

Or at least, that’s how it feels.

Not even a goodbye back as I head out the door.

What happened?

I question it all, as I continue the job I’m supposed to do.

One day a week due to school swarming me, I was unable to do what I could the year before and during the summer which was 3 or 4 days during the year, and almost every day during the summer.

The first day feeling of spring in the air, with 60 degree weather and not a cloud in the sky– has turned to rain in my mind.

Due to something so unbelievably stupid.

I’ve seen many people come and go through my almost two years at this establishment, but it didn’t occur to me that maybe some were pushed out.

Or voluntarily left, because it became much more difficult under the thumb of new store management.

It got complicated– we all have lives, but don’t we all have sympathy as well?

I am not lazy. I have bad days.

I am not a slacker, I try to balance everything at once.

I am not a slow learner, I learn quickly but due to lack of sleep not as comprehensive at times–few times for that matter.

I am not a person who takes malarkey that’s thrown my way. If I know you are lying–

I will call you out.

Boss or not.

If you know me, you know that I care.

You know that I have a shy nature with glimpses of an outgoing presence. 

This gives the impression of being a snob or conceited at times, but it is far from reality.

There are times when I’m way too sorry, when I’m way too lenient, when I’m way too nice– but do not mistake that for weakness.

You never want to mistake kindness for weakness.

But when something does ding ones heart a little too bad, water will flow from my eyes like a waterfall, especially when deceived regardless of whether or not I knew I was being treated like putty.

I am stronger than this.

I am worth more than this.

I can do better than this.

Someone came in today who used to work with me– she is doing much better, and let me tell you she was not in her best form before starting this new job. She is happier, she is smiling, she looks damn good, she ain’t lost it (had to reference Beyoncé’s song).

I don’t intend to lose it either.

I haven’t yet, why the hell would I now?

I want to see the world and I will not get the thought of a chance, if I continue with where I am now.

I deserve better, just as my coworkers deserve better– they are all amazing people.

From the one who looks like she’s in college yet in reality has been married forever with a teenage son, isn’t a huge fan of tampa, and has gave me the mystery machine hot wheels car before someone else grabbed it, you are one that I look up to, and slightly idolize.

From the one who also looks like she’s in college, and drinks her coffee like a Gilmore to have time to spend with her 3 year old daughter and play video games, one that I look up to.

From the one who I didn’t meet until last year, he gave me a free mascara that ended up being top-notch by the way, if he ever reads this. He is the life of the party, and one that I look up to.

From the one who is never not sarcastic, and knocks people over for fun (not in a bad way)–literally. The one that helped me out when he could, which was really nice, maybe I was too dependent at times. One that I look up to.

From the one who I only ever say “hello” to when I walk through the door but works in a different section of the store and is always complimented by the elderly who can’t remember his name, I look up to you.

From the one who was terminated or quit, that came back then left again, I hope you and your fiancé (or now husband) are doing well, I look up to you, even if you’re only a few years older.

From the one who never failed to put a smile on my face that gave me a near heart attack when mentioning a stomach issue– I’m glad you’re feeling better. I look up to you.

From the one who is chatty, and makes everyone chatty too even if they’ve had a blue day, you are gorgeous, funny, and remind me of a friend.

From the one who liked early mornings would talk politics and english with me– you are so flawless and sometimes it seems like you don’t even know it. Never ever let someone make you feel inferior because you are one of the smartest people I have ever met in my life.

From the one who wore flowers in her hair, you are so kind and cheery, you are one that I look up to.

From the one I din’t see too often but reminded me of Ryan Gosling, you’re pretty cool, just keep being you, I look up to you.

From the new guy who always seems a bit bland, I’m sure you are super funny, and your also a hard worker, I look up to you.

From the one I met one day that I never got to know because you work in a different section, you are amazing and it’s a shame we never knew each other better because I think we’d have been good friends, I look up to you.

From the one who walked home with me a few times  (even though you have a skateboard which is freaking amazing) that I told about Safe Trek, you seem really awesome, I look up to you.

From the guy who’s my age that got married, I have no clue what happened to you but I hope you are well and still swimming no matter the outcome of one event, you are one that I look up to.

From the one who was gone unexpectedly as I returned for the school year, I hope you love your new job and still carry all the wisdom you gave me. Btw, the blonde wig looked nice on you, you are one that I look up to.

From the one who disappeared, but seemed to have a bit of trouble in the beginning- I am SO glad you are doing better. You deserve it– your sister isn’t the only one who is climbing mountains, you are one that I look up to. ❤

From previous management that was there when I started, I hope you are safe, happy, not weighed down by your dad who seems to be too much at times (at least from what I’ve witnessed), and enjoying sun somewhere, even if it isn’t Florida. It was always smiles from every single worker when you were there. You are a natural leader, I look up to you. 

To the new girls who started this fall, you’re all hard workers and seem to be really sweet.

However, the new store management and jerks who don’t believe in my power to bounce back, can kiss it.

Love,

Nat

 

Fresh Rose Review

This has grown on me.

It started out with me being ecstatic to use it because it smells like roses (one of my favorite things / scents) and then turned into me questioning it.

Yes, I read reviews before buying it (it is about $40), and yes I also googled photos and some information before as well.

I’m not the type to just blow $40, I mean unless I was given $500 or something, which has yet to happen to me at random.

What drew me to it was that Fresh (a company originated in Italy) made it, the one that also makes the one that smells like cucumbers (Youth preserve with lotus etc. etc. very long name) which I also absolutely love– maybe even more than this one. It also has the word “hydration” in it.

On my first use of this, I had SUPER dry skin– the worst to the point where even the moisturizer seemed to pare off on the sides of my face. The absolute worst. It has slowly improved with time whereas the Fresh Lotus one made a change in my skin in a SNAP. I genuinely noticed a difference wishing the first three days whereas with this moisturizer it has taken a few weeks.

It could also very much be due to the fact that I’ve been working my a** off that created a blurred line between noticing good skin and bad.

This winter has been no friend of my skin. So in that case I went on a hunt to find a good moisturizer, I have to tell you that this one is great–but I don’t believe it does the trick for me personally. In terms of favorite moisturizer for all eternity, I have yet to discover that.

I suggest it, but I suggest trying a sample before committing to it as I say with every product ever, yet still holds true. Or if you simply cannot wait but don’t have the budget, try the Fresh Youth preserve travel size for $17.

This Fresh Rose Deep Rehydration Face Cream is moisturizing, reduces redness, has cute and simple packaging, has a fresh scent, and feels like a dream.

It comes in a glass jar (be careful, don’t drop it) with a pink-copper-metallic lid that is chic yet inviting and looks damn good sat on top of a dresser.

❤ Nat

Don’t Fall Too Soon

On the fence of intimidated and comfortable when around him, that is what I felt.

He is the type that says a million things without saying a word, encouraging without drowning your ears with the same old line.

Someone who provides all the happiness in the world, and little confusion.

It’s strange meeting someone like him, someone that understands and listens while you blabber on about your hometown. Then by some twist of fate he happens to know exactly what you’re talking about, because he resides there too.

Yet somehow you’ve never met, but feel as if you’ve known this person you’re whole life.

It’s strange how this works, and even stranger when you see he provides the same for multiple other girls, yet for whatever astounding reason, it still seems independent with you.

He’s not a bad guy, just a good guy with bad intention.

It’s fun to know a good guy, it’s nice to know they exist. But don’t fall too soon for them, for when the time comes it’ll be gone quick.