Tag Archives: me

Bumbling Blobs

I have to stop dreaming of a story that isn’t mine.

I need to face the facts.

He chose her.

He wanted her.

He loves her.

I didn’t want him.

I didn’t like him.

I didn’t think I’d love him.

And I’m now scrolling through pictures, a facade painted on my face as I see one of them.

How nice that must be.

To be in his arms.

The place I didn’t want.

Bad timing is a devil.

I don’t know what’s worse, the daydreaming of him…

or the knowing of him.

It’s been months since our last serendipitous moment.

A moment I choose to believe was just that, a moment.

Just a fraction of time taken from our live’s, just a brief meeting that meant nothing.

But I know it’s more than nothing.

It feels like the world throws him in my face when I’m not looking and before I can stand up to say goodbye, he’s gone.

What an odd coincidence it is.

Running into you after all this time.

In a town that isn’t mine.

A town that’s barely his.

Keeping up with this feels like an unwanted chore.

It’s not my choice.

I see him every once in a while in my dreams, and that’s the end of it.

I see him once in a while in reality, and we don’t speak of it.

I see him in pictures and I picture myself in her place.

Then I picture myself going insane.

“This is stupid” I think and gently whisper out loud when no ones listening.

But it’s the furthest thing.

Meeting him was like meeting someone from my past that I’d never met in person before.

It’s not something I can explain, but that’s not going to stop me.

People say movies are not real, story book endings are written so there’s always a happy one, and people don’t get these endings forever. His brown eyes tell a story different from the words falling from his mouth. Gentle and kind they are, with the same warning sign for me to flea. His arrogance creates a fire in me. His smirk matches mine, and I am at a loss for words. How can he still excite me to the point where my whole day is rearranged by the sign of his name. What is it. Why is it. How can it. How could it. Does he know what he’s doing in this universe we’re stuck in, or does he not have a clue, like me. Maybe we’re both two bumbling blobs, or maybe we’re on track to something bigger than we know. But he has someone right now, and I need to keep letting that go.

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Losing Lauer

I can’t believe the news on Matt Lauer.

I literally grew up watching him on the news; he began working on the Today show in 1997, I myself was born in 1996. I’d be lying if I said Lauer wasn’t a reason I watched the news and decided I wanted it to be a part of my life.

With all the accusations against Men especially in heavy positions it has me wondering whether or not every one is true.

There are some that feel these are jokes, that “why wouldn’t you want him to touch you” idea…

And then there are some people that completely object these men right away, after the slightest allegation is made.

People I’ve heard over the years say for the simplest things “if there’s no picture, there’s no proof” whether that’s downing a beer or kissing a crush, silly things or even outrageously private things. Obviously, it’s a joke for some, and not for others.

With Matt Lauer, immediate action has been taken to firing him — a smart move, considering all the instances lately in the news, with Weinstein and Spacey being the biggest names in Hollywood so far… but Matt Lauer? Does Matt Lauer belong with them in the same blacklisted position?

Back in the 50s there were these allegations against Directors, writers, actors etc. relating to communism, and if even the slightest relation such as an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend or distant relative’s so much as became involved with any communist act, they were blacklisted. Not fired outright, but safe to say let go.

These days with the use of social media, any story at all can be put out, it can be considered to be true, and especially spread as fast as computably possible (thank you twitter, Facebook, etc.).

It’s a shame an official investigation hasn’t taken place yet for Lauer, and most certainly remains for even higher levels of persuasion for our country despite numerous amounts of evidence ready for years and years before higher positions were taken.

In Matt Lauer’s case, 20 years of complete silence all of a sudden to be exposed for sexual misconduct from an incident over 16 years ago? It seems really unordinary. And like many cases, people bandwagon on the back of them whether it’s to get money or fame.

It doesn’t look good for anyone, really.

Making something clear, pointing out that accusing someone of sexual misconduct is a serious matter and it most definitely is not an easy thing to do for the person accusing. Especially if the person in question is loved by many– who Would want to ruin their reputation?

That’s right, no one.

BUT, even though NBC handled Lauer’s case as many would hope for it to be handled, can we really believe it? Those that know him, whether through a screen or in-person… is it really possible?

How are we to say he has or not– we already see him in a kind light. But for people who solely know him from recent events in the last couple of days– don’t all of a sudden act like you know who the man is and “tea has been spilled” or some odd thing like that solely because this is the hot topic at the moment.

Someones life is at stake here, and are we 100% sure it should be, yet?

There is one main accusation, and that is the one where in 2001 he had sex with a woman, also employed by NBC. There are two more women that have reached out- event’s that happened in 2014 at the winter olympics.

Sex is something entirely different from being forced to have sex. Wanting to have sex is entirely different from being pressured to have sex. And, Forcing yourself on someone has Never been romantic nor a kind thought… so why do people have this idea that it is okay?

Because it’s been normalized and is just now beginning to be moved out of the workplace- hopefully however, with the right actions, mindset, and allegations agasint someone and their livelihood / what they’ve worked for.

Why would someone who’s worked their ass off to get to any kind of position of power, threaten to lose that power by senseless acting?

And yes, no one is perfect, but when its continuous and seen throughout time at different points… there’s a clear point towards whether or not someone is guilty.

Normally I’d say give me all the proof you can, I’ll look it over, do my own research, and decided my thoughts from there. But with the case of Lauer, I can’t accept that he is to be categorized with the likes of Weinstein, Spacey, or any other obvious threat to entertainment and media until I see fool-proof what he’s being accused of.

 

 

Natural Nerd 

Yes, It’s true. I’m a nerd. I’m as nerdy as they get.

I was a nerd before I even realized people thought I was… wait. That doesn’t make any sense.

I am a nerd, and I’ve been told this. Sometimes by people teasing me, time’s I’d like to think were because they thought I was cute but then I look back at my actual little self and think “no, you’re just a nerd and were never aware of How Much.”

And there’s been a couple times where people have mentioned it but not in a kind way… I push those to the back of my thought vault.

It didn’t bother me until I kept hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it.
But then I saw this quote that says “I may be a nerd, but one day I’’ll be your boss.” And I thought: Yeah, that fits.

💖 Things I’m definitely Geeky about:

Taylor Swift

Doctor Who

Star Wars (Since about 2015 where I went to see Star Wars with a guy I was dating)

YouTuber

“Old-school” video games like Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Sims, Nintendogs if you consider those old school.

Ellen

EXO the Kpop group

Anime, really cute anime stories.

Books. Yes, Books. I LOVE Books. When I was 12 I would read a book a day.

💖Things that qualify me for nerd status:

<3I have written a fan fiction. One. Single. Not plural. <<b
ve crushed on a guy that doesn’t know I exist <<b
in suspenders are cute to me, weird thing to mention but I kinda associate suspenders with either old school dressing or nerds… and If a guy wears those with a Bowtie… hell yes, sign me up.

Gym in school was my own personal HELL.

Very Rarely can I pull off looking cool. But when I do, I’m on it.

Sometimes I’d carry this mini dictionary with me to elementary class, one day I couldn’t find it so I took the big one instead, which is still huge to me now to this day.

Lar– actually no, I’ve never Larped. Or cosplayed. But cosplaying would be fun. *raises eyebrow*

Guess who loves cartoons and still watches them? This girl *points to self with thumbs*

And lastly, I’m a goof. Why? Because it’s fun. <<b
I love laughing and making other people laugh ☺️<br
t rather quiet sometimes when around people I don’t know or slightly know.

Are you nerdy? If yes, lemme know because I need more of you in my life 🤓

Love,

Nat 💜

Picture Travel

I want to travel. If you know me, you know this is something I’ve dreamt about since I was 12.

The reason I read so much as a kid was due to the fact of me being so immersed in another world, whether it was Paris, another state, or some fantasy land (like in The Hobbit).

Now that I’m 20, I’m trying my best to be able to do that soon.

But its hard, Living Is Expensive.

While its easy to think you understand at 15, once 20 hits, reality does too.

But, I think I’ve come up with a solution for me to be able to experience other worlds and not have to wait until I’m 30, or 60 to do so.

I’ve heard about travel points over the last couple of summers… I’ve heard that by opening some type of travel credit card and earning points, that its possible to save money on flights, food etc. simply by using it on the ground.

Now, I don’t know too much about these, and anything with the word “credit” makes me second-eye it… but from anyone who has actually traveled or used travel points and travel cards, please let me know how it started and what you’ve been able to do since opening the account.

The first place I want to go is somewhere not far from home, yet in another country about a day’s drive away.

This isn’t some kind of puzzling question, this is me trying to avoid telling you where I actually live. 🙂

Not sure if I’ll be driving, flying, what have you, but just in case I want to try and prepare for it.

With these travel points, people are able to build them up in a year and fly off to London for instance…

I can’t express to you how badly I want to be that person.

So, with that said, please let me know you’re experiences / favorite places to open one with.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

Love,

Nat

 Sparks A Piece Of History

I’m always making notes. Ever since I was able to hold a pen, I’ve been making notes, songs, writing down ideas. 
I can’t tell you how much data I’ve used up by writing notes on my phone ( and two others from before) along with my iPad (rip) and computer.
I wish there was a way for me to find all of them. Although there isn’t, there’s at least my old e-mail which hold quite a few. 
One day I’ll go through them, maybe share a few… but for now I just want to talk about how much I love writing. 
Not only do I focus better, remember tasks I’d otherwise forget, and come up with creative ideas that I put few to use, but it helps me feel like I’ve accomplished something. 
I started out with a pen and paper, even now I do still prefer a pen and paper… but, those ideas that come on around 2 am or so (the most creative I think), or the ideas that come to thought in a dream, are written in my phone. 
No matter how you look at it, you’ll see I always write and I most likely date the paper too. 
There’s something I find really cool about going to back to things I wrote or drew back in 2013, for instance, because it sparks memory and it sparks a piece of history from my life. 
It does for everyone when they discover something they thought they lost. 
The way we write tells a story too; why do we curve the g’s and y’s? 
Why do we write in cursive or print?
Why do we have sloppy handwriting sometimes and clean as pledge the next? 
There are more unique things about ourselves than what we thought…
Even when it comes to something as “simple” as writing. 
Thanks for reading. 🔥
Love, 

          Nat 💖

I Have A Choice

Get this.

I’m wearing this eyeshadow, I’m wearing this full face of makeup, or at least what *I* consider a full face of makeup— for Myself.

I’m not wearing it because social media told me to.

I have a choice.

I have an option of whether or not I want to wear makeup.

Everyone seems to try to pinpoint what is “right” and what is “wrong” all the time, or they try to keep on everyone’s side to seem like they aren’t bias.

Now let me tell you, I care, I do. I care a lot about everyone I meet, what people think of me (semi-sometimes) because everyone feels this way, it’s just natural to care.

Everyone questions “am I good enough, is this winged liner even, do I even feel like wearing foundation today… no, but I’m going to wear it anyways because there’s this cute guy in my class and in order for me to work up the courage to even look at him I have to look inside my soul, find this confidence that’s buried somewhere, and LET IT FREE by wearing whatever make-up makes me feel damn GOOD on this day.”

Yes, that sentence was completely bombastic and slightly unnecessary.

But the key thing to remember out of what I just said is confidence.

Everyone has it, it’s fueled by different things. Me for instance, I do better at life in general when I feel like myself, when I feel good, whether that’s with make-up or without.

There used to be a time where I wore make-up because I felt like I had to. I felt naked without it, or I felt just completely not myself.

And sometimes I still do feel that way, but I’ve noticed the caring on that level has SUNK, let me tell you.

I went out in public, with no makeup, hadn’t washed my hair, I looked like I was going through a crisis slightly, because I kinda sort of was, and I took a smoothie to this guy that sort of liked me but I wanted to be clear we were just friends and I thought he was sweet.

SoooooOoOoooOOOOOO I went back in the house and immediately was asked “what, you went out like that?” and I said “yes, who cares? If he likes me anyways then he needs to see the real me, and accept me, right?”

*laughs at self *

…………………………………

ohhh my goddd

And then the other person just looked at me and smiled probably internally screaming “what happened to you?!?!?!”

But seriously, I’m sitting here telling you that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing to feel good about yourself.

You don’t have to wear a full face of makeup; you don’t even have to wear any make-up.

And yes I know there are girls that exist who do both proudly and props to you, I am that person too—sometimes.

But the truth is, I just love makeup. And, I also just love rubbing my eyes.

Everyone stresses about being liked but it’s all about doing whatever you like— that will help you achieve this happiness and validation you’re searching for.

And if you’re really looking for likes, you need to be yourself. An original, not a copy of a neighbor or celebrity; you’ll be surprised how many positive responses you get when you yourself feel good about what you’re doing, wearing, and putting out into the world.

*P.S. I sort of want to film a video on this, do you have any thoughts on it? Am I missing anything or do you sort of relate to me at all? I’d love to hear. 🙂

Love,

Nat

Know You’re Faults

It’s important to know you’re faults. Your own faults.

Not everything is everyone else’s fault.

Here are some of mine:

  1. I am shy- very painstakingly shy.
  2. I talk a lot or sometimes not at all when I get nervous.
  3. I’m an introvert, I like to be left alone- not be alone (as Audrey Hepburn says). That’s a little hard when it comes to being surrounded by a bunch of extroverts in my family with opinions. Then again, what’s a family without opinions on every thing you do?
  4. I want to travel- so so so so badly. But, I can’t save a penny for my life. I do spend on myself sometimes but I also love to buy things for other people and disregard the fact that it will jack up my bank account.
  5. I jumble words (this is something I found out more recently).
  6. I have weird feet. There, I said it: I don’t like my feet. That’s not so much of a fault as it is a criticism of my own appearance.
  7. I can get jealous.
  8. But I also really don’t care at the same time because I believe the sayings “everything happens for a reason” and “if it’s meant to be it will be.”

 

Good things:

  1. I’m compassionate. I’ve always gone above and beyond when it comes to empathy and if I so much as hear a sad snippet of someone’s story whether fiction or non-fiction I will most likely tear up. I think this is more a good thing than bad because it shows I’m human.
  2. I have moments where I’m fearless and throw all caution to the wind whether it comes to an interview, trying something new, or simply talking to someone I haven’t before. These are my favorite.
  3. I’m quiet. This means I listen to people.
  4. I want to travel- what kind of world would it be if I couldn’t read and travel through books at least?
  5. I’m a hard worker. I always have been (the main thing I focus on is details), I don’t know any other way. And if something were to not be perfect, I’ll either try a different way or accept it and move on.
  6. I’m Care free. I’m care-free but not to the point where I give zero damns about anything.
  7. I have a fast metabolism and like chocolate a lot so it sort of balances out lol.
  8. I own up to anything wrong or misleading I’ve done (or sometimes paranoidly think I do).

*IMPORTANT: If you make a mistake or hurt someones feelings, please own up to it as soon as possible or try to fix in some way. There’s a lot more respect, and less regrets if you do so.*

What are some of your faults / good qualities?

All for Galifornia

Ever since I randomly stumbled upon the new blush by Benefit on an Australian website,”Galifornia” has been on the top of my list- because I knew it was one that I’d fall head over heels for. Galifornia is the absolute reason I splurged a bit today…

I went to Ulta, and I went to a corner store afterwards (mainly to pick up some mucinex for my mom who has a cold; keep away from sneezers people it’s cold / allergy season).

IMG_8984

IMG_8982

And yes, I did take these photos outside. 🙂 The best lighting is there, and today was a nice day anyway’s so psh if you judge me.

Onto the things at Ulta:

1. Soap and Glory ‘Clean on Me” shower gel.

2. Soap and Glory Super cat liquid liner pen (which slightly terrifies me, but less than the super cat fat liquid liner unless I was going for a thick liner look which I rarely do) in “jet black”. Still a hard-core dollywink eyeliner fan. 😉

3. Benefit Cosmetics “Galifornia” Blush. Fun spin on California, which I’m hoping / wishing to go to in June for VidCon. I’ve read some reviews on it that mention the golden overlay disappearing after 5 swipes and while that’s most likely true, I still felt the need to buy it. It looks like summer, it smells like summer, it simply reminds me of summer. Plus, Coralista my all time favorite blush ever to exist which always comes from Benefit reminds me a bit of this by glancing at it. Not entirely sure if it will resemble it all but either way I have a gut feeling I’m going to love it. ^_^

Onto the things at the corner store:

  1. Herbal Essences Body Envy shampoo
  2. Herbal Essences Body Envy Conditioner
  3. Revlon Eyelash Curler (my old one was soooo overused that I threw it out a month ago and haven’t used one since)
  4. Curad Bandaids just because I’ve always wanted to try these and what better a time to buy some when someone needs one and there are none in the house.

That is the mini look into what I bought today!

Hope you enjoyed reading, do you know of anything I should keep my eye out for make-up wise, hair wise, book wise, or all sorts of wise?

Love,

Nat 💖

 

 

We Need to Chat about My Future

I am at a loss for words as I sit in the lobby of a building typing this, something that is out of my comfort zone a bit, because I’m not in the comfort of my room let alone in my hometown.

I used to think the dream was to be away from my hometown, to be off on adventures no matter whether it was a hike through some woods, a walk around a city, or on a plane (has happened few times for me) going somewhere entirely different.

I crave adventure.

I want new experiences.

And I want good memories to overshadow my awkward self that I love– but to a degree.

I used to believe I would be stuck forever in my room a shy, self-conscious (during my early teenage years) yet confident person with a desperate need to explore new opportunities and environments. Falling victim to having aspirations and hope, yet eventually with time, no matter how hard I worked or believed, fearing failure.

There is no failing.

Oprah Winfrey didn’t fail as she began her life as a talk show host, producer, actress etc. after being fired at 23 from her first reporting job.

Tina Fey didn’t fail, now a comedian and actress worked at the YMCA age 23.

Stephen King, an iconic author didn’t fail as he lived in a trailer and worked as a janitor age 24.

J.K. Rowling, (another iconic author) of the Harry Potter Series was practically homeless at the age of 28.

Vera Wang, a fashion designer known around the world didn’t design her first dress until age 40.

The late Julia child,  a chef you may have noticed, inspired the movie Julie and Julia and didn’t release her first cook book until age 49.

The late Alan Rickman, was not a widely known actor until age 42 when he landed his first role after deciding to stop pursuing graphic design.

And so on and so on…

So if someone tells me I need to give up and that I’ll never amount to anything– even if that person is me at times– I remind myself of these amazing people who got their start in the middle, and many with struggles.

Everything takes time, the issue is that my time is up on making a decision in regards to college decisions.

Choosing a major, choosing an area of focus, deciding where I’ll live next year and who the hell with, let alone whether or not I want to pursue my dream of traveling despite the realization that I actually like comfort… is mind boggling.

Yes, in a sense that comfort has been ripped away over the last few days, but whose to say it hasn’t been slowly building up over the course of a year.

Also known as, the mid-college crisis.

I know it will get better, but it is incredibly frustrating to remember this as I’m being stretched thin by my own unstable comprehension.

I know I can get through these decisions everyone says not to worry about, but the time is now and plain as day that I can either try for my dream and fail a few times in the process, or I can give up all together and settle.

I’m not one for settling, I’m one for finding an alternate way around a situation so that I can make the most out of what I’ve been given to work with.

Life can be crazy, challenging, and exhausting  but to write our own story we all have to go along with the ride and hope we end up somewhere amazing.