Category Archives: Thoughts

One of my favorite lyrics from TGS

“No one can say what we get to be.”

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I’ll Never

I’ll never amount to her level of perfect, I know.

I’ll never have her boobs, I know.

I’ll never have her blue eyes or sun-kissed hair.

I’ll never have her perfect teeth.

I’ll never have her care-free laugh.

I’ll never have her..

her…

I’ll never have her memories of you.

I’ll never have her dozen or so pictures with you.

I’ll never have the spontaneous trips with you.

I’ll only ever have the “what if,” whether or not she always has you.

Because I was too afraid of being in the way.

And maybe we weren’t meant to meet anyways.

Police and People

I need to get something off my chest.

I want all cops to be background checked and even re-initiated into being a police officer.

I’m only 21 years old.

I don’t believe all cops are bad, but I also don’t believe all cops are as properly trained as an average every day citizen would hope.

The amount of times I’ve felt uncomfortable around them, heard stories from friends and their experiences, and seen videos where its apparent power is being abused is sickening.

What I’m asking for is steps to be taken to make the world safer, starting with the people that’s profession is to keep people safe.

Whisk Me Away – What Could’ve Been

Grab my hand and whisk me away under water.

Where no one can see us.

Where waves crash and the orange melts with the pink and the yellow in the sky… signaling its time to swim to shore.

We both stay afloat on our own.

I see his eyes lock with mine as I come up for air, almost sinking moments before.

He watches me.

I paddle around, make faces, splash water, and he just watches me.

Then BOOM.

He spreads his arms out, pulling me down to the bottom of the water; where the sand meets feet, where I meet my match.

Others find our little hideout in the middle of the sea, and he still notices me.

What am I to him?

A question I don’t bother to ask.

Screw the sea, this is our floor.

This is where it begins.

We dance our way to who is best when it comes to maneuvering around the waves.

Encouraging each other, behave.

This is the way it should be.

Drowned in each other rather than drowned in worries and fables.

He’s reached for the best of me, for so long, waited for the best of me, and I didn’t pull back this time. I’ve finally accepted that he’s all mine.

Losing Lauer

I can’t believe the news on Matt Lauer.

I literally grew up watching him on the news; he began working on the Today show in 1997, I myself was born in 1996. I’d be lying if I said Lauer wasn’t a reason I watched the news and decided I wanted it to be a part of my life.

With all the accusations against Men especially in heavy positions it has me wondering whether or not every one is true.

There are some that feel these are jokes, that “why wouldn’t you want him to touch you” idea…

And then there are some people that completely object these men right away, after the slightest allegation is made.

People I’ve heard over the years say for the simplest things “if there’s no picture, there’s no proof” whether that’s downing a beer or kissing a crush, silly things or even outrageously private things. Obviously, it’s a joke for some, and not for others.

With Matt Lauer, immediate action has been taken to firing him — a smart move, considering all the instances lately in the news, with Weinstein and Spacey being the biggest names in Hollywood so far… but Matt Lauer? Does Matt Lauer belong with them in the same blacklisted position?

Back in the 50s there were these allegations against Directors, writers, actors etc. relating to communism, and if even the slightest relation such as an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend or distant relative’s so much as became involved with any communist act, they were blacklisted. Not fired outright, but safe to say let go.

These days with the use of social media, any story at all can be put out, it can be considered to be true, and especially spread as fast as computably possible (thank you twitter, Facebook, etc.).

It’s a shame an official investigation hasn’t taken place yet for Lauer, and most certainly remains for even higher levels of persuasion for our country despite numerous amounts of evidence ready for years and years before higher positions were taken.

In Matt Lauer’s case, 20 years of complete silence all of a sudden to be exposed for sexual misconduct from an incident over 16 years ago? It seems really unordinary. And like many cases, people bandwagon on the back of them whether it’s to get money or fame.

It doesn’t look good for anyone, really.

Making something clear, pointing out that accusing someone of sexual misconduct is a serious matter and it most definitely is not an easy thing to do for the person accusing. Especially if the person in question is loved by many– who Would want to ruin their reputation?

That’s right, no one.

BUT, even though NBC handled Lauer’s case as many would hope for it to be handled, can we really believe it? Those that know him, whether through a screen or in-person… is it really possible?

How are we to say he has or not– we already see him in a kind light. But for people who solely know him from recent events in the last couple of days– don’t all of a sudden act like you know who the man is and “tea has been spilled” or some odd thing like that solely because this is the hot topic at the moment.

Someones life is at stake here, and are we 100% sure it should be, yet?

There is one main accusation, and that is the one where in 2001 he had sex with a woman, also employed by NBC. There are two more women that have reached out- event’s that happened in 2014 at the winter olympics.

Sex is something entirely different from being forced to have sex. Wanting to have sex is entirely different from being pressured to have sex. And, Forcing yourself on someone has Never been romantic nor a kind thought… so why do people have this idea that it is okay?

Because it’s been normalized and is just now beginning to be moved out of the workplace- hopefully however, with the right actions, mindset, and allegations agasint someone and their livelihood / what they’ve worked for.

Why would someone who’s worked their ass off to get to any kind of position of power, threaten to lose that power by senseless acting?

And yes, no one is perfect, but when its continuous and seen throughout time at different points… there’s a clear point towards whether or not someone is guilty.

Normally I’d say give me all the proof you can, I’ll look it over, do my own research, and decided my thoughts from there. But with the case of Lauer, I can’t accept that he is to be categorized with the likes of Weinstein, Spacey, or any other obvious threat to entertainment and media until I see fool-proof what he’s being accused of.

 

 

Troubling’ Trolls

We need to talk about social anxiety and having a YouTube channel not being related.

They aren’t related.

Stop expecting someone who has a YouTube channel, 12 million subscribers for instance, or someone who’s simply more comfortable talking to a camera than actual people, to be outgoing.

Look, not everyone that has the guts to make jokes and be themselves in front of no one but an electronic device is THAT comfortable with themselves OUTSIDE of that frame.

This isn’t the typical “their human, gosh guys get off their case” scenario either, this is me addressing something I’ve been wanting to for a long long time.

Social anxiety doesn’t influence talking to a camera.

It’s easy to be oneself on camera because of the lack of judgement, the ability to cut out all the awkward or unneeded moments, and it’s an odd but fun thing to do.

When surrounded by people, for someone with social anxiety or someone that knows what it’s like to have a panic attack and fears those moments in a crowd or even family event, for instance, it’s not easy.

Me, sitting in a classroom = Enormously different than me making funny lip-synching videos on snapchat or a YouTube video.

I’m in no way a big influence, at least in my videos but for those that are I see comments like:

“‘I have social anxiety’
Communicates with 12M followers every week. Lol”
or
“She’s 27 years old, what is she doing talking about anxiety and panic attacks it’s gotten old” when she literally seemed to begin the understanding for many on these feelings that are so so hard to describe to someone who’s never experienced one.
or
“Omg, she’s so clearly never had social anxiety, she’s been to a club. She goes to clubs.”
For all that person knows, they could’ve only gone 3 times in their life, and what should it matter? They’re stepping out of their comfort zone, maybe they just wanted to dance, or maybe that’s not a situation that would bring on anxiety when with a person or two they trust.
I myself have received “You’re so different in class, why are you so shy and quiet yet in front of a camera you’re the complete opposite,” more than once we’ll just say as I trace it back in my mind as far as High School even.
I can’t explain why when I’m in front of a camera, or on a stage it’s easier for me to be myself. All I know is that I’m most comfortable there.
Is it awkward if people can hear / see you speaking to a camera though? Hellllll yes.
But as you do it more and more it gets more comfortable. I’m working towards being more comfortable, not even for videos but simply for myself so that I don’t feel like I wasted a bunch of time being anxious in the future.
It’s silly, it’s absolutely and utterly silly why I need to explain the differences between social anxiety and putting ourself in front of a camera, yet it’s understandable.
I believe people that ask why it’s so dissimilar have good intentions, they’re simply curious. But it is most irritating when I’m scrolling through Twitter, YouTube, or spoken to at a family event with people saying mean things about me or others. It absolutely dumbfounds me. People are happy and making steps towards just loving their life, yet are scrutinized for “dwelling” on something they can’t control?
Mind boggling.
Being told “it’s so weird to see you like that on snapchat” or “I didn’t know you could do that” (obviously, this one isn’t as bad because sometimes it truly does feel like I’m Hannah Montana or something- god I sound conceited- I promise, I’m shit) from people that rarely see you, let alone your fun side is painful. But it’s an eye-opener. For them.
Because I, as well as everyone else that battles social anxiety along with the love for their creative, goofy, and in search for fun sides already know it seems odd. Thus, why it helps to speak to a camera.
If a video is posted by a YouTuber, Instagrammer, Snap Chatter, what have you, there’s always the choice on whether or not to read the comments and / or delete the content you put out.
Obviously, it’s nice to be aware of whether or not you offended anyone and it’s important to give an explanation if so, especially quickly, but that’s not due to someone being a horrible person all the time. Sometimes it’s a one-time thing or there is more to a story than someone that glances at it, or half listens to it knows.
Social anxiety and being well-spoken in front of a camera is not being fake, nor is it an invitation for arguments and pity – it’s just two different universes with one human being in common.
Please treat everyone with kindness, especially when it’s hard to understand them.
Love,
Nat

Natural Nerd 

Yes, It’s true. I’m a nerd. I’m as nerdy as they get.

I was a nerd before I even realized people thought I was… wait. That doesn’t make any sense.

I am a nerd, and I’ve been told this. Sometimes by people teasing me, time’s I’d like to think were because they thought I was cute but then I look back at my actual little self and think “no, you’re just a nerd and were never aware of How Much.”

And there’s been a couple times where people have mentioned it but not in a kind way… I push those to the back of my thought vault.

It didn’t bother me until I kept hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it.
But then I saw this quote that says “I may be a nerd, but one day I’’ll be your boss.” And I thought: Yeah, that fits.

💖 Things I’m definitely Geeky about:

Taylor Swift

Doctor Who

Star Wars (Since about 2015 where I went to see Star Wars with a guy I was dating)

YouTuber

“Old-school” video games like Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Sims, Nintendogs if you consider those old school.

Ellen

EXO the Kpop group

Anime, really cute anime stories.

Books. Yes, Books. I LOVE Books. When I was 12 I would read a book a day.

💖Things that qualify me for nerd status:

<3I have written a fan fiction. One. Single. Not plural. <<b
ve crushed on a guy that doesn’t know I exist <<b
in suspenders are cute to me, weird thing to mention but I kinda associate suspenders with either old school dressing or nerds… and If a guy wears those with a Bowtie… hell yes, sign me up.

Gym in school was my own personal HELL.

Very Rarely can I pull off looking cool. But when I do, I’m on it.

Sometimes I’d carry this mini dictionary with me to elementary class, one day I couldn’t find it so I took the big one instead, which is still huge to me now to this day.

Lar– actually no, I’ve never Larped. Or cosplayed. But cosplaying would be fun. *raises eyebrow*

Guess who loves cartoons and still watches them? This girl *points to self with thumbs*

And lastly, I’m a goof. Why? Because it’s fun. <<b
I love laughing and making other people laugh ☺️<br
t rather quiet sometimes when around people I don’t know or slightly know.

Are you nerdy? If yes, lemme know because I need more of you in my life 🤓

Love,

Nat 💜

Change In Criticism

“Do they think I’m funny? Does she think I’m fat? Do they think I’m dumb? Am I good/clever/cool enough (partially worded from some WikiHow thing I read)?”

STOP IT.

These thoughts are SO ANNOYING. If I had a dollar for every time I thought these when surrounded by a group of people who even so slightly intimidate me, I’d be able to get at least some aspects of my life together.

It’s the feeling of needing to change yourself to “fit in” with whoever it is your speaking to at the moment, or whoever it is your meeting for the first time, or whoever it is you feel this annoying need to be your “best self” (or what you feel people with be most accepting of) for.

It’s a loss, really.

There is NO being yourself all the time, forever.

There are different faces, and different versions of oneself for every situation.

The idea that everyone has a mold to fit into, or a role to play, is also infuriating.

The only piece of advice that seems to make sense is “be yourself,” but that doesn’t mean pick who you want to be and be that person all the time until the day you die.

It means, do what you want, say what you want, wear what you want, see who you want, because You want to, and You feel it is a necessary step in creating a life you feel most happy and yourself in.

If people didn’t change, if they always remained the same, if there was never even a change of simple eyeshadow for instance over the last 4 years, that would be boring. That would insinuate your always the same person.

But if You like that, if you say it’s what you enjoy on your face and you don’t want to change it because your happy with it… that would be a different story.

Because you’re doing what You want and sticking with what You love– not what someone expects.

There are people who like change, and are very open to it– and then there are people who aren’t a fan.

As we age, changes are made in our facial modes, the clothes we wear, the social aspects of our lives and so on… you mean to tell me nothing about you has changed? What about on the inside?

No one is inept to change, we’re all pretty used to it.