Category Archives: Thoughts

Troubling’ Trolls

We need to talk about social anxiety and having a YouTube channel not being related.

They aren’t related.

Stop expecting someone who has a YouTube channel, 12 million subscribers for instance, or someone who’s simply more comfortable talking to a camera than actual people, to be outgoing.

Look, not everyone that has the guts to make jokes and be themselves in front of no one but an electronic device is THAT comfortable with themselves OUTSIDE of that frame.

This isn’t the typical “their human, gosh guys get off their case” scenario either, this is me addressing something I’ve been wanting to for a long long time.

Social anxiety doesn’t influence talking to a camera.

It’s easy to be oneself on camera because of the lack of judgement, the ability to cut out all the awkward or unneeded moments, and it’s an odd but fun thing to do.

When surrounded by people, for someone with social anxiety or someone that knows what it’s like to have a panic attack and fears those moments in a crowd or even family event, for instance, it’s not easy.

Me, sitting in a classroom = Enormously different than me making funny lip-synching videos on snapchat or a YouTube video.

I’m in no way a big influence, at least in my videos but for those that are I see comments like:

“‘I have social anxiety’
Communicates with 12M followers every week. Lol”
or
“She’s 27 years old, what is she doing talking about anxiety and panic attacks it’s gotten old” when she literally seemed to begin the understanding for many on these feelings that are so so hard to describe to someone who’s never experienced one.
or
“Omg, she’s so clearly never had social anxiety, she’s been to a club. She goes to clubs.”
For all that person knows, they could’ve only gone 3 times in their life, and what should it matter? They’re stepping out of their comfort zone, maybe they just wanted to dance, or maybe that’s not a situation that would bring on anxiety when with a person or two they trust.
I myself have received “You’re so different in class, why are you so shy and quiet yet in front of a camera you’re the complete opposite,” more than once we’ll just say as I trace it back in my mind as far as High School even.
I can’t explain why when I’m in front of a camera, or on a stage it’s easier for me to be myself. All I know is that I’m most comfortable there.
Is it awkward if people can hear / see you speaking to a camera though? Hellllll yes.
But as you do it more and more it gets more comfortable. I’m working towards being more comfortable, not even for videos but simply for myself so that I don’t feel like I wasted a bunch of time being anxious in the future.
It’s silly, it’s absolutely and utterly silly why I need to explain the differences between social anxiety and putting ourself in front of a camera, yet it’s understandable.
I believe people that ask why it’s so dissimilar have good intentions, they’re simply curious. But it is most irritating when I’m scrolling through Twitter, YouTube, or spoken to at a family event with people saying mean things about me or others. It absolutely dumbfounds me. People are happy and making steps towards just loving their life, yet are scrutinized for “dwelling” on something they can’t control?
Mind boggling.
Being told “it’s so weird to see you like that on snapchat” or “I didn’t know you could do that” (obviously, this one isn’t as bad because sometimes it truly does feel like I’m Hannah Montana or something- god I sound conceited- I promise, I’m shit) from people that rarely see you, let alone your fun side is painful. But it’s an eye-opener. For them.
Because I, as well as everyone else that battles social anxiety along with the love for their creative, goofy, and in search for fun sides already know it seems odd. Thus, why it helps to speak to a camera.
If a video is posted by a YouTuber, Instagrammer, Snap Chatter, what have you, there’s always the choice on whether or not to read the comments and / or delete the content you put out.
Obviously, it’s nice to be aware or whether or not you offended anyone and it’s important to give an explanation if so, especially quickly, but that’s not due to someone being a horrible person all the time. Sometimes it’s a one-time thing or there is more to a story than someone that glances at it, or half listens to it knows.
Social anxiety and being well-spoken in front of a camera is not being fake, nor is it an invitation for arguments and pity – it’s just two different universes with one human being in common.
Please treat everyone with kindness, especially when it’s hard to understand them.
Love,
Nat
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Turn Up The Heat

Lets go through the bullshit I’ve had to deal with:

  1. Roommate is mad at me of course for turning off the heat last night, understandable; it was cold. Then chooses to act innocent saying “I wasn’t upset, you got out of the car upset.”
  2. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WEREN’T UPSET YOU LITERALLY BARKED AT ME OUT OF NOWHERE
  3. I put a note by the thermostat saying “let’s talk later about why I turned it off at Midnight”… this was days ago so yes, a talk should’ve happened sooner but because she’s been so busy with an assignment and I’ve simply been busy over the last few days myself just on campus we haven’t been able to.
  4. Why is the damn door to the closet always open, that fucking annoys the shit out of me.
  5. I have given you numerous back-ups when it comes to family talking about you being mean and horrible when it came to freshman year living with a Distant- and I mean distant from MY family- family friend.
  6. Bring her up all you want, I did too because I thought it’d be fun to joke about once in a while, stupid things that happened before when they lived together.
  7. AND YOU DARE BRING HER UP AND PRACTICALLY COMPARE HER TO ME WHEN YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM IN TERMS OF INCOME AND MANNER.
  8. I’m so floored, I can’t speak about this anymore.

I’m not over here looking for WWIII, but it constantly feels like she want’s to instigate it with me.

You’d think someone would be able to recognize when they come off harshly, and constantly too. Not a one time thing, but excessively.

We finally get to a good place, I was helping her with a project I was reluctant to do in the first place, but thought “no, i need to because she needs the help this time” only to be yelled at within 5 minutes of the second day that I wasn’t doing what I had done before that not only she liked, but her teacher liked. I don’t take well to being yelled at, hearing yelling, anything of the sort. And I mean hardcore, not some little argument. I’ll tell you what, it felt like she was piercing me through the heart on the second day of her project and it definitely felt like that again tonight.

I shouldn’t be so surprised every time, yet I still am.

Natural Nerd 

Yes, It’s true. I’m a nerd. I’m as nerdy as they get. 

I was a nerd before I even realized people thought I was… wait. That doesn’t make any sense. 

I am a nerd, and I’ve been told this. Sometimes by people teasing me, time’s I’d like to think were because they thought I was cute but then I look back at my actual little self and think “no, you’re just a nerd and were never aware of How Much.”

And there’s been a couple times where people have mentioned it but not in a kind way… I push those to the back of my thought vault. 

It didn’t bother me until I kept hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it. 
But then I saw this quote that says “I may be a nerd, but one day I’’ll be your boss.” And I thought: Yeah, that fits. 

💖 Things I’m definitely Geeky about:

Taylor Swift 

Doctor Who 

Star Wars (Since about 2015 where I went to see Star Wars with a guy I was dating) 

YouTuber

“Old-school” video games like Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Sims, Nintendogs if you consider those old school. 

Ellen

EXO the Kpop group

Anime, really cute anime stories. 

Books. Yes, Books. I LOVE Books. When I was 12 I would read a book a day.

💖Things that qualify me for nerd status: 

<3I have written a fan fiction. One. Single. Not plural. 
I have crushed on a guy that doesn’t know I exist 
Guys in suspenders are cute to me, weird thing to mention but I kinda associate suspenders with either old school dressing or nerds… and If a guy wears those with a Bowtie… hell yes, sign me up
Gym in school was my own personal HELL. 

Very Rarely can I pull off looking cool. But when I do, I’m on it. 

Sometimes I’d carry this mini dictionary with me to class, one day I couldn’t find it so I took the big one instead, which is still huge to me now to this day. 

Lar– actually no, I’ve never Larped. Or cosplayed. But cosplaying would be fun. *raises eyebrow* 

Guess who loves cartoons and still watches them? This girl *points to self with thumbs*

And lastly, I’m a goof. Why? Because it’s fun. 
And I love laughing and making other people laugh ☺️
I’m just rather quiet sometimes when around people I don’t know or slightly know. 

Are you nerdy? If yes, lemme know because I need more of you in my life 🤓 

Love,

Nat 💜

Change In Criticism

“Do they think I’m funny? Does she think I’m fat? Do they think I’m dumb? Am I good/clever/cool enough (partially worded from some WikiHow thing I read)?”

STOP IT.

These thoughts are SO ANNOYING. If I had a dollar for every time I thought these when surrounded by a group of people who even so slightly intimidate me, I’d be able to get at least some aspects of my life together.

It’s the feeling of needing to change yourself to “fit in” with whoever it is your speaking to at the moment, or whoever it is your meeting for the first time, or whoever it is you feel this annoying need to be your “best self” (or what you feel people with be most accepting of) for.

It’s a loss, really.

There is NO being yourself all the time, forever.

There are different faces, and different versions of oneself for every situation.

The idea that everyone has a mold to fit into, or a role to play, is also infuriating.

The only piece of advice that seems to make sense is “be yourself,” but that doesn’t mean pick who you want to be and be that person all the time until the day you die.

It means, do what you want, say what you want, wear what you want, see who you want, because You want to, and You feel it is a necessary step in creating a life you feel most happy and yourself in.

If people didn’t change, if they always remained the same, if there was never even a change of simple eyeshadow for instance over the last 4 years, that would be boring. That would insinuate your always the same person.

But if You like that, if you say it’s what you enjoy on your face and you don’t want to change it because your happy with it… that would be a different story.

Because you’re doing what You want and sticking with what You love– not what someone expects.

There are people who like change, and are very open to it– and then there are people who aren’t a fan.

As we age, changes are made in our facial modes, the clothes we wear, the social aspects of our lives and so on… you mean to tell me nothing about you has changed? What about on the inside?

No one is inept to change, we’re all pretty used to it.

My Thoughts on Period Dramas

Why am I so in love with a world I’ve never known?

A world which was just introduced to me five years ago, has now become another feeling of home.

Though through fiction and film feels real nonetheless as the characters portray who I’ve come to love best; I still sit here and question why I cling to what I know best.

I connect with these characters in such a way that I have no clue of how to explain… the residing feeling of a world I might’ve known if I had simply taken a chance long ago.

Taken a chance on a story that could’ve also been my own, and not just read in a period drama from over 200 years old.

Maybe there’s still a chance, although it’s grown a bit old.

aghhhhh

 

Funny Story

Today when I got on the bus, sat down, turned on Taylor Swift music until I reached my bus stop…. someone sat behind me.

This someone looked almost identical to Ed Sheeran.

Don’t get excited, it wasn’t Ed Sheeran.

It goes like this:

I sit, I listen, I get tapped on the shoulder, turn around and get asked if it was the ______ route.

I say “yes, it is. I know I used to think that too but then I realized there’s a little green sign in the front of the bus that says ____ route.” I hope I din’t sound like a bitch. But then again, he did say “sorry” at some point during the conversation so maybe I just need to accept I have that facial expression.

Instantly thought when I turned around “wow, he looks sort of like Ed Sheeran.”

Guess what?

Ed Sheeran played here tonight. Legit had a concert I completely forgot about, even though I’ve been non-stop talking about it for a couple weeks now.

Guess I was too consumed in homework and the fact that some guy that looks like Ed Sheeran was sat behind me, to notice it was the exact day that Ed Sheeran was playing in my city.

Realized this hours later, laughed, then questioned it, then thought why the hell would that have been him?

Could you imagine if it was really him though?

It wasn’t — just to clarify again. But could you imagine?

Love,

Nat

 

Eyebrow Trauma :Once Upon A Time

“Excuse me, this doesn’t seem right” or “You made me look like chewbacca” would have been great responses to a lady who “fixed” my eyebrows once upon a time.

Instead, I said “Oh wow,” gave a nice smile, paid for the monstrosity on my face, and walked away.

Granted, I was 17 at the time and pretty new to the whole waxing eyebrows properly thing, and not just going to the corner place where they always seemed to be done exactly the same for every single person.

This time I was in a professional place. I had been there once before; I loved them I didn’t get red afterwards looking like I had a really awkward sunburn, it just went great.

And then I went back for a second time. Went to someone new because, well why not and experienced the worst eyebrow waxing of all time.

The thing is, there wasn’t even much waxing- it was more filling them in or drawing them in should I say.

My original thought after leaving was “wow this is different, maybe she was super new and I was practice” which I wish I had a warning with at least. So I kind of just went with it and didn’t go back to that specific place ever again.

When I say filled in, I mean seriously messed me up, I walked out of there and her coworkers literally had their mouths open it was so horrible.

The most cringe-worthy part of it is the whole time I was walking to where the group of gaspers were to pay for it I held my head high as if I wanted it to happen because I just KNEW she had to have been new or done it on purpose and I wasn’t going to become a laughing stock.

The worst part is, she was so nice so I was nice back, when I really should’ve been like:

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Cake Is Not A Crime

Yes, I’m going to eat the cake even though I may regret it later.

Why you ask?

Oh, just because today I asked myself why I should deprive myself of sweets and I couldn’t come up with much of an answer besides not wanting to make snacking a massive habit.

When did it all become about numbers; how many pieces of cake, how many slices of pizza, how pieces out of the massive box of goldfish I bought at Target…

As long as I know what I’m doing, I don’t hold myself to absurd standards like exercising every single day for two hours (not that I’m the person to ask about working out) or eating ONLY organic food and little sugar or calories-what have you- I’ll be alright.

I eat for myself.

I eat for the pure happiness of it, and I eat when I’m hungry, not when I’m bored.

Okay, that’s a bold lie, sometimes when I’m bored and its just been one of those days with endless movies, then yes I will without a doubt.

But other than that I try to balance the healthy foods with the not so healthy foods… it’s really all anyone can do.

So I say, eat the cake. Life’s too short. Worry about the silly things later.

Love,

Nat ❤

 

 

Period Pain Plan 

Bet you can’t say the title ten times fast… 🙂

Period plan:
1. Wake up whenever you want (unless you’re working, then get yourself some Advil asap)

2. Get to the couch stat

3. Shout for your sister to grab you the clicker, then proceed to ask for water

4. Avoid all cute things, unless you’re completely alone and in the mood to cry happy / lonely / funny tears

5. Listen to some music, whatever your favorite is to boost your mood.

6. Watch a funny movie instead of a rom com, and especially don’t watch a horror movie, why would you do that to yourself

7. Once you have any energy at all take a nap, then after you’ve regained consciousness go for a little walk.

*As odd as the walk sounds, it will help with cramps believe it or not*

8. Make some kind of list whether it’s for groceries or to buy yourself something after surviving the first day of period so far– you freaking deserve it.

9. Read a book if TV, your phone, and social media are just too much for you right now.

10. Put your hand on your stomach to calm it down. Don’t know why this works, but it does; don’t question the magic.

Love,
Nat 💖

Little Witch Academia on Netflix

 

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Netflix, please get this Anime together.

The official season has 25 episodes, where on Netflix only 13 are available.

While 13 is one of my favorite numbers, and even being able to watch some of the season (after initially thinking I’d have to wait a year or so) is amazing, I have to ask… why is the entire season not available?

The two short movies are amazing.

The series (at the moment about half of season 1) is amazing.

It IS a NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES.

So, I just feel the need to ask why and how long Netflix watchers will have to wait until we can see the rest of season one.

Thanks!!

Nat

P.S. IT’S BRILLIANT AND I CAN’T PUT INTO WORDS JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE IT, YET.

 

*Note: Some Facts On The Anime:

The series began airing in January 2017.

The first ever mini movie came out in March 2013.

It currently has an 8/10 on myanimelist.net

I found it completely random back in November / December out of pure curiosity and have NOT been disappointed at all with any of it.

If your wondering about it, if you’ve never really watched an anime before, or if you want to be reminded of high school (except with fantasy and magic thrown in there), go flipping watch it, you won’t be disappointed. ❤