Bumbling Blobs

I have to stop dreaming of a story that isn’t mine.

I need to face the facts.

He chose her.

He wanted her.

He loves her.

I didn’t want him.

I didn’t like him.

I didn’t think I’d love him.

And I’m now scrolling through pictures, a facade painted on my face as I see one of them.

How nice that must be.

To be in his arms.

The place I didn’t want.

Bad timing is a devil.

I don’t know what’s worse, the daydreaming of him…

or the knowing of him.

It’s been months since our last serendipitous moment.

A moment I choose to believe was just that, a moment.

Just a fraction of time taken from our live’s, just a brief meeting that meant nothing.

But I know it’s more than nothing.

It feels like the world throws him in my face when I’m not looking and before I can stand up to say goodbye, he’s gone.

What an odd coincidence it is.

Running into you after all this time.

In a town that isn’t mine.

A town that’s barely his.

Keeping up with this feels like an unwanted chore.

It’s not my choice.

I see him every once in a while in my dreams, and that’s the end of it.

I see him once in a while in reality, and we don’t speak of it.

I see him in pictures and I picture myself in her place.

Then I picture myself going insane.

“This is stupid” I think and gently whisper out loud when no ones listening.

But it’s the furthest thing.

Meeting him was like meeting someone from my past that I’d never met in person before.

It’s not something I can explain, but that’s not going to stop me.

People say movies are not real, story book endings are written so there’s always a happy one, and people don’t get these endings forever. His brown eyes tell a story different from the words falling from his mouth. Gentle and kind they are, with the same warning sign for me to flea. His arrogance creates a fire in me. His smirk matches mine, and I am at a loss for words. How can he still excite me to the point where my whole day is rearranged by the sign of his name. What is it. Why is it. How can it. How could it. Does he know what he’s doing in this universe we’re stuck in, or does he not have a clue, like me. Maybe we’re both two bumbling blobs, or maybe we’re on track to something bigger than we know. But he had someone right now, and I need to keep letting that go.

Advertisements

Losing Lauer

I can’t believe the news on Matt Lauer.

I literally grew up watching him on the news; he began working on the Today show in 1997, I myself was born in 1996. I’d be lying if I said Lauer wasn’t a reason I watched the news and decided I wanted it to be a part of my life.

With all the accusations against Men especially in heavy positions it has me wondering whether or not every one is true.

There are some that feel these are jokes, that “why wouldn’t you want him to touch you” idea…

And then there are some people that completely object these men right away, after the slightest allegation is made.

People I’ve heard over the years say for the simplest things “if there’s no picture, there’s no proof” whether that’s downing a beer or kissing a crush, silly things or even outrageously private things. Obviously, it’s a joke for some, and not for others.

With Matt Lauer, immediate action has been taken to firing him — a smart move, considering all the instances lately in the news, with Weinstein and Spacey being the biggest names in Hollywood so far… but Matt Lauer? Does Matt Lauer belong with them in the same blacklisted position?

Back in the 50s there were these allegations against Directors, writers, actors etc. relating to communism, and if even the slightest relation such as an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend or distant relative’s so much as became involved with any communist act, they were blacklisted. Not fired outright, but safe to say let go.

These days with the use of social media, any story at all can be put out, it can be considered to be true, and especially spread as fast as computably possible (thank you twitter, Facebook, etc.).

It’s a shame an official investigation hasn’t taken place yet for Lauer, and most certainly remains for even higher levels of persuasion for our country despite numerous amounts of evidence ready for years and years before higher positions were taken.

In Matt Lauer’s case, 20 years of complete silence all of a sudden to be exposed for sexual misconduct from an incident over 16 years ago? It seems really unordinary. And like many cases, people bandwagon on the back of them whether it’s to get money or fame.

It doesn’t look good for anyone, really.

Making something clear, pointing out that accusing someone of sexual misconduct is a serious matter and it most definitely is not an easy thing to do for the person accusing. Especially if the person in question is loved by many– who Would want to ruin their reputation?

That’s right, no one.

BUT, even though NBC handled Lauer’s case as many would hope for it to be handled, can we really believe it? Those that know him, whether through a screen or in-person… is it really possible?

How are we to say he has or not– we already see him in a kind light. But for people who solely know him from recent events in the last couple of days– don’t all of a sudden act like you know who the man is and “tea has been spilled” or some odd thing like that solely because this is the hot topic at the moment.

Someones life is at stake here, and are we 100% sure it should be, yet?

There is one main accusation, and that is the one where in 2001 he had sex with a woman, also employed by NBC. There are two more women that have reached out- event’s that happened in 2014 at the winter olympics.

Sex is something entirely different from being forced to have sex. Wanting to have sex is entirely different from being pressured to have sex. And, Forcing yourself on someone has Never been romantic nor a kind thought… so why do people have this idea that it is okay?

Because it’s been normalized and is just now beginning to be moved out of the workplace- hopefully however, with the right actions, mindset, and allegations agasint someone and their livelihood / what they’ve worked for.

Why would someone who’s worked their ass off to get to any kind of position of power, threaten to lose that power by senseless acting?

And yes, no one is perfect, but when its continuous and seen throughout time at different points… there’s a clear point towards whether or not someone is guilty.

Normally I’d say give me all the proof you can, I’ll look it over, do my own research, and decided my thoughts from there. But with the case of Lauer, I can’t accept that he is to be categorized with the likes of Weinstein, Spacey, or any other obvious threat to entertainment and media until I see fool-proof what he’s being accused of.

 

 

Troubling’ Trolls

We need to talk about social anxiety and having a YouTube channel not being related.

They aren’t related.

Stop expecting someone who has a YouTube channel, 12 million subscribers for instance, or someone who’s simply more comfortable talking to a camera than actual people, to be outgoing.

Look, not everyone that has the guts to make jokes and be themselves in front of no one but an electronic device is THAT comfortable with themselves OUTSIDE of that frame.

This isn’t the typical “their human, gosh guys get off their case” scenario either, this is me addressing something I’ve been wanting to for a long long time.

Social anxiety doesn’t influence talking to a camera.

It’s easy to be oneself on camera because of the lack of judgement, the ability to cut out all the awkward or unneeded moments, and it’s an odd but fun thing to do.

When surrounded by people, for someone with social anxiety or someone that knows what it’s like to have a panic attack and fears those moments in a crowd or even family event, for instance, it’s not easy.

Me, sitting in a classroom = Enormously different than me making funny lip-synching videos on snapchat or a YouTube video.

I’m in no way a big influence, at least in my videos but for those that are I see comments like:

“‘I have social anxiety’
Communicates with 12M followers every week. Lol”
or
“She’s 27 years old, what is she doing talking about anxiety and panic attacks it’s gotten old” when she literally seemed to begin the understanding for many on these feelings that are so so hard to describe to someone who’s never experienced one.
or
“Omg, she’s so clearly never had social anxiety, she’s been to a club. She goes to clubs.”
For all that person knows, they could’ve only gone 3 times in their life, and what should it matter? They’re stepping out of their comfort zone, maybe they just wanted to dance, or maybe that’s not a situation that would bring on anxiety when with a person or two they trust.
I myself have received “You’re so different in class, why are you so shy and quiet yet in front of a camera you’re the complete opposite,” more than once we’ll just say as I trace it back in my mind as far as High School even.
I can’t explain why when I’m in front of a camera, or on a stage it’s easier for me to be myself. All I know is that I’m most comfortable there.
Is it awkward if people can hear / see you speaking to a camera though? Hellllll yes.
But as you do it more and more it gets more comfortable. I’m working towards being more comfortable, not even for videos but simply for myself so that I don’t feel like I wasted a bunch of time being anxious in the future.
It’s silly, it’s absolutely and utterly silly why I need to explain the differences between social anxiety and putting ourself in front of a camera, yet it’s understandable.
I believe people that ask why it’s so dissimilar have good intentions, they’re simply curious. But it is most irritating when I’m scrolling through Twitter, YouTube, or spoken to at a family event with people saying mean things about me or others. It absolutely dumbfounds me. People are happy and making steps towards just loving their life, yet are scrutinized for “dwelling” on something they can’t control?
Mind boggling.
Being told “it’s so weird to see you like that on snapchat” or “I didn’t know you could do that” (obviously, this one isn’t as bad because sometimes it truly does feel like I’m Hannah Montana or something- god I sound conceited- I promise, I’m shit) from people that rarely see you, let alone your fun side is painful. But it’s an eye-opener. For them.
Because I, as well as everyone else that battles social anxiety along with the love for their creative, goofy, and in search for fun sides already know it seems odd. Thus, why it helps to speak to a camera.
If a video is posted by a YouTuber, Instagrammer, Snap Chatter, what have you, there’s always the choice on whether or not to read the comments and / or delete the content you put out.
Obviously, it’s nice to be aware of whether or not you offended anyone and it’s important to give an explanation if so, especially quickly, but that’s not due to someone being a horrible person all the time. Sometimes it’s a one-time thing or there is more to a story than someone that glances at it, or half listens to it knows.
Social anxiety and being well-spoken in front of a camera is not being fake, nor is it an invitation for arguments and pity – it’s just two different universes with one human being in common.
Please treat everyone with kindness, especially when it’s hard to understand them.
Love,
Nat

Natural Nerd 

Yes, It’s true. I’m a nerd. I’m as nerdy as they get.

I was a nerd before I even realized people thought I was… wait. That doesn’t make any sense.

I am a nerd, and I’ve been told this. Sometimes by people teasing me, time’s I’d like to think were because they thought I was cute but then I look back at my actual little self and think “no, you’re just a nerd and were never aware of How Much.”

And there’s been a couple times where people have mentioned it but not in a kind way… I push those to the back of my thought vault.

It didn’t bother me until I kept hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it.
But then I saw this quote that says “I may be a nerd, but one day I’’ll be your boss.” And I thought: Yeah, that fits.

💖 Things I’m definitely Geeky about:

Taylor Swift

Doctor Who

Star Wars (Since about 2015 where I went to see Star Wars with a guy I was dating)

YouTuber

“Old-school” video games like Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Sims, Nintendogs if you consider those old school.

Ellen

EXO the Kpop group

Anime, really cute anime stories.

Books. Yes, Books. I LOVE Books. When I was 12 I would read a book a day.

💖Things that qualify me for nerd status:

<3I have written a fan fiction. One. Single. Not plural. <<b
ve crushed on a guy that doesn’t know I exist <<b
in suspenders are cute to me, weird thing to mention but I kinda associate suspenders with either old school dressing or nerds… and If a guy wears those with a Bowtie… hell yes, sign me up.

Gym in school was my own personal HELL.

Very Rarely can I pull off looking cool. But when I do, I’m on it.

Sometimes I’d carry this mini dictionary with me to elementary class, one day I couldn’t find it so I took the big one instead, which is still huge to me now to this day.

Lar– actually no, I’ve never Larped. Or cosplayed. But cosplaying would be fun. *raises eyebrow*

Guess who loves cartoons and still watches them? This girl *points to self with thumbs*

And lastly, I’m a goof. Why? Because it’s fun. <<b
I love laughing and making other people laugh ☺️<br
t rather quiet sometimes when around people I don’t know or slightly know.

Are you nerdy? If yes, lemme know because I need more of you in my life 🤓

Love,

Nat 💜

Change In Criticism

“Do they think I’m funny? Does she think I’m fat? Do they think I’m dumb? Am I good/clever/cool enough (partially worded from some WikiHow thing I read)?”

STOP IT.

These thoughts are SO ANNOYING. If I had a dollar for every time I thought these when surrounded by a group of people who even so slightly intimidate me, I’d be able to get at least some aspects of my life together.

It’s the feeling of needing to change yourself to “fit in” with whoever it is your speaking to at the moment, or whoever it is your meeting for the first time, or whoever it is you feel this annoying need to be your “best self” (or what you feel people with be most accepting of) for.

It’s a loss, really.

There is NO being yourself all the time, forever.

There are different faces, and different versions of oneself for every situation.

The idea that everyone has a mold to fit into, or a role to play, is also infuriating.

The only piece of advice that seems to make sense is “be yourself,” but that doesn’t mean pick who you want to be and be that person all the time until the day you die.

It means, do what you want, say what you want, wear what you want, see who you want, because You want to, and You feel it is a necessary step in creating a life you feel most happy and yourself in.

If people didn’t change, if they always remained the same, if there was never even a change of simple eyeshadow for instance over the last 4 years, that would be boring. That would insinuate your always the same person.

But if You like that, if you say it’s what you enjoy on your face and you don’t want to change it because your happy with it… that would be a different story.

Because you’re doing what You want and sticking with what You love– not what someone expects.

There are people who like change, and are very open to it– and then there are people who aren’t a fan.

As we age, changes are made in our facial modes, the clothes we wear, the social aspects of our lives and so on… you mean to tell me nothing about you has changed? What about on the inside?

No one is inept to change, we’re all pretty used to it.

My Thoughts on Period Dramas

Why am I so in love with a world I’ve never known?

A world which was just introduced to me five years ago, has now become another feeling of home.

Though through fiction and film feels real nonetheless as the characters portray who I’ve come to love best; I still sit here and question why I cling to what I know best.

I connect with these characters in such a way that I have no clue of how to explain… the residing feeling of a world I might’ve known if I had simply taken a chance long ago.

Taken a chance on a story that could’ve also been my own, and not just read in a period drama from over 200 years old.

Maybe there’s still a chance, although it’s grown a bit old.

aghhhhh

 

Funny Story

Today when I got on the bus, sat down, turned on Taylor Swift music until I reached my bus stop…. someone sat behind me.

This someone looked almost identical to Ed Sheeran.

Don’t get excited, it wasn’t Ed Sheeran.

It goes like this:

I sit, I listen, I get tapped on the shoulder, turn around and get asked if it was the ______ route.

I say “yes, it is. I know I used to think that too but then I realized there’s a little green sign in the front of the bus that says ____ route.” I hope I din’t sound like a bitch. But then again, he did say “sorry” at some point during the conversation so maybe I just need to accept I have that facial expression.

Instantly thought when I turned around “wow, he looks sort of like Ed Sheeran.”

Guess what?

Ed Sheeran played here tonight. Legit had a concert I completely forgot about, even though I’ve been non-stop talking about it for a couple weeks now.

Guess I was too consumed in homework and the fact that some guy that looks like Ed Sheeran was sat behind me, to notice it was the exact day that Ed Sheeran was playing in my city.

Realized this hours later, laughed, then questioned it, then thought why the hell would that have been him?

Could you imagine if it was really him though?

It wasn’t — just to clarify again. But could you imagine?

Love,

Nat

 

Conquering Chloe: Chapter 3

**Beep Beep BeEp BeeP bEEp*

The alarm, painfully waking Chloe up—even though being an early bird on the regular—was simply too much today. It was Friday, the day she knew she’d spend later eating Twinkies and maltesers until she found something good to watch on Netflix. Kelsey was going out to a party, invited Chloe, but being the shy one she was, declined. Chloe preferred nights alone with twinkly lights, movies, maybe a book-especially when it rained—and chicken nuggets from McDonalds. It was looking to be one of those nights—and Chloe was excited. Rubbing her eyes, she rolled to the left a little too far and fell out of bed pulling the sheets with her.

“Well that’s a great start to the day” she muttered under her breath.

Standing up, she went to her closet looking right at her reflection in the mirrored doors. Tugging at her brown hair which looked thrillingly atrocious she crunched up her face to make herself laugh as she pulled goofy faces. Giving a minute of thought to if what she was doing was weird, she stared at her reflection, then ended the moment with a stuck out tongue and rolled eyes. Spotify list was instantly begun before she took the usual shower and did her makeup. Once she got to the wing of the right eye she heard a *clank* outside her window, curiously she moved her feet to the side of the window to peer out into what was the sun rising—her favorite part of waking up. Smiling to herself she looked around finding nothing. Weird.

***********************

“I’m thinking of wearing the red lace shirt with my white jeans and heels maybe, but not tall ones because those will give off the wrong idea” Kelsey went on about her outfit for tonight.

“Yeah, that’d be cute” I said spooning yogurt into my mouth.

“I wish you were coming though—why don’t you ever? Doesn’t it ever get boring siting by yourself?” Paige, another one of Kelsey’s “friends” asked honestly.

Kelsey just shot her a look.

I accepted that I wasn’t destined to be a partier and that’s just who I was- it gave me way too much anxiety the idea of being stuck in a house with people crowding every inch of space, some crazy drunk while others crazy something else.

“Paige—it’s not that I don’t feel like I’ll fit in, it’s just that I don’t want to” which was a bold face lie even Kelsey knew.

“Okay” Paige said with a shrug as she got up to grab an apple on the other side of the cafeteria.

“Eh, she’s too much even for me today” Kelsey joked.

“She’s not horrible, I just wish she would Not judge me for something I can’t control.”

“Oh yes, your impossible need to be by yourself on a night when everyone else will be dancing and living their senior year to its peak” she said as she spun around the lunch chair flipping her hair into my face.

We both laughed.

“I highly doubt throwing up until my lungs cave in is living my life to its peak” I got out in time before I caught plaid shirt Hayden looking over me as he walked to the table to our left.

“I didn’t say ‘life,’ I said senior year.”

“Oh, correct me why don’t you” I said to her rolling my eyes with a goofy face, hearing a slight laugh only a table away.

*************

“No Hayden today” I thought as I passed his house, kicking a rock as I went.

* Kick*

oooo too to the left.

*Kick*

And now a little too far to the right

*Kick*

Why am I playing with a rock?

*Kick kick*

that barley moved…

*kick KICK*

I threw my hands over my mouth because I knew that was either going to hit someone walking or with any luck land in someone’s yard.

It didn’t end up being the latter.

“OW?” my neighbor a few doors down questioned with a puzzled look on her face.

She was old, it had only just missed her ankle, I felt she was being too dramatic yet I still responded with:

“Oh my god I’m so sorry! Can I get you anything?”

“What’s your name??” she demanded.

“Chloe…” I replied nervously.

“Courtney, you could’ve broken my leg. Now do you think that’s any way to treat— “

“No… I… it’s Chloe by the way, and” was all I could say before getting the look of death from her and an unexpected visit from yet another neighbor.

“Hi Mrs. Myrtle, are you alright?” a voice came from a distance too close for comfort. I didn’t even have to turn around to notice him, he was like a looming shadow. And all of a sudden it was as if I had completely vanished.

“Oh Hayden, I was just telling your Dad how much I loved the cake he brought over the other day on the phone,” she smiled gracefully.

“I’m glad, he was hoping you’d like the almonds on top too because the plain cinnamon apple one was getting too boring to him,” Hayden so casually says as if the details of the almonds didn’t shock me enough.

“Awee, no. I didn’t like it. I loved it. Any time you want to bring one over we’d be happy to try it.”

“That’s nice to hear, I’ll mention that to him. Well, I sort of need to get going, I promised this one we’d get her home before 3 because she has to get back for Days of Our Lives, just can’t miss that” he said in the most smug way.

“Oh, I love that—” she stopped as she remembered who I was and stared through my soul.

We walked away fast, but not enough to seem like assholes. She of course still smiled at Hayden before turning around to check her mail again.

“What a guy” I heard in the distance while I just puked a little in my mouth. Oh, if only she knew.

Rounding the corner to my house Hayden broke the ever-present silence with a “I saved you.”

I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“You saved me? You bragged about cake and pretended I’m into daytime television, why would I thank you for that?”

“I didn’t say you had to thank me.” He smirked.

It’s kind of like the time when you fell off your bike because your dad took off your training wheels and Mrs. Myrtle told off your father until I came and said “we all have to learn some time.”

“I haven’t ridden a bike since,” I laughed while remembering that moment but not him.

“That was you?” I turned to look at him. He was taller than I thought, standing next to me was so much different than sitting.

“Yeah,” he said looking down. “Guess you forgot, ow” he playfully put his hand over his heart.

“You can’t be serious right now” I giggled looking to my left at the other side of the street at the distance we should be right now.

Reaching the end of my driveway, we stopped; I watched a few leaves fall as he said “to thank me, you could just invite me over tonight to watch a movie, or would that be too forward.”

“You mean impossible?” I looked at him hiding my lips because otherwise I’d end him right then and there.

“I’m not that kind of girl” I went on as he waved his hands like he was stopping traffic.

“No, no, No, that is not what I meant, I literally only want to watch a movie. Or two, or five” he tagged on to ease the awkwardness I felt in my throat.

“Were you listening to my conversation earlier at lunch?”

“Why, yes I was Courtney” he said putting a finger under his nose as if it was some kind of disguise.

“Look, you don’t get to decide when, where, or what we watch, and you definitely don’t get to listen in on my conversations.”

“I’m just looking out for you, and today at lunch was because I was at the table ear-shot away, I can’t help what I hear” he said kindly.

I don’t know why I believed him, there had to be something else. But what?

“I get that you like being alone, I like it too, but sometimes it gets boring. And you can’t tell me you’re not bored sometimes” he said in an understanding tone.

I looked at the ground, hoping my hair would hide the blushing from embarrassment. It did get boring, but it wasn’t so bad. At least I didn’t have people like ____ 24/7 directing me who to talk to, what to do, or who to be with.

“I’ll let you come over, but I pick what we watch.”

Eyebrow Trauma :Once Upon A Time

“Excuse me, this doesn’t seem right” or “You made me look like chewbacca” would have been great responses to a lady who “fixed” my eyebrows once upon a time.

Instead, I said “Oh wow,” gave a nice smile, paid for the monstrosity on my face, and walked away.

Granted, I was 17 at the time and pretty new to the whole waxing eyebrows properly thing, and not just going to the corner place where they always seemed to be done exactly the same for every single person.

This time I was in a professional place. I had been there once before; I loved them I didn’t get red afterwards looking like I had a really awkward sunburn, it just went great.

And then I went back for a second time. Went to someone new because, well why not and experienced the worst eyebrow waxing of all time.

The thing is, there wasn’t even much waxing- it was more filling them in or drawing them in should I say.

My original thought after leaving was “wow this is different, maybe she was super new and I was practice” which I wish I had a warning with at least. So I kind of just went with it and didn’t go back to that specific place ever again.

When I say filled in, I mean seriously messed me up, I walked out of there and her coworkers literally had their mouths open it was so horrible.

The most cringe-worthy part of it is the whole time I was walking to where the group of gaspers were to pay for it I held my head high as if I wanted it to happen because I just KNEW she had to have been new or done it on purpose and I wasn’t going to become a laughing stock.

The worst part is, she was so nice so I was nice back, when I really should’ve been like:

giphy.gif

Cake Is Not A Crime

Yes, I’m going to eat the cake even though I may regret it later.

Why you ask?

Oh, just because today I asked myself why I should deprive myself of sweets and I couldn’t come up with much of an answer besides not wanting to make snacking a massive habit.

When did it all become about numbers; how many pieces of cake, how many slices of pizza, how pieces out of the massive box of goldfish I bought at Target…

As long as I know what I’m doing, I don’t hold myself to absurd standards like exercising every single day for two hours (not that I’m the person to ask about working out) or eating ONLY organic food and little sugar or calories-what have you- I’ll be alright.

I eat for myself.

I eat for the pure happiness of it, and I eat when I’m hungry, not when I’m bored.

Okay, that’s a bold lie, sometimes when I’m bored and its just been one of those days with endless movies, then yes I will without a doubt.

But other than that I try to balance the healthy foods with the not so healthy foods… it’s really all anyone can do.

So I say, eat the cake. Life’s too short. Worry about the silly things later.

Love,

Nat ❤