Category Archives: Writing

Conquering Chloe: Chapter 6

*****

“Why did you really wake up?” Mom questions as I reach for an orange, nearly dropping it on the ground.

“I just couldn’t sleep…” I respond as I put the now bruised orange inside a bag.

“Did you fail you’re math test– is that was this is all about? Couldn’t sleep because you couldn’t sleep is not my child, I know my child, you are not my child.”

“Oh, so I AM adopted?” I say with a sarcastic tone before we both break out in laughter.

“No, but if I could give you up–”

“Psh” is all I manage before being interrupted by Madelyn’s Mom. Why, oh why.

As my Mom’s back is turned the only thing less mortifying than potentially seeing Madelyn suck up to my mother is desperately trying to travel unnoticed to the lettuce section, where I can pretend to be busy.

After no sign of Madelyn and the straight line out of the area was drawn, I took my chance gesturing to my mom I was going to the other side of the wall, really meaning to suggest other side of the world. She mistook this as “oh, you want to speak to Madelyn’s mom,” of course.

“Hi” I say with the warmest fake smile on my face, nothing against the mom of course, just the memory stuck of a few days before.

It droned on for 10 minutes easily, the questions from her mom about me turning into her bragging about her daughter inevitably ending in “you two should really get together sometime” with constant nods from my mother and internal screaming from me.

As the discussion fades while I wander away to the cereal section, getting lost among the choices of sugar I see Hayden putting away tea on the other end.

I try to be as discreet as possible while turning away, naturally knocking nearly every box of corn puffs off the shelf. I’ve been spotted– ABORT. The only option is to face the music or hope the invisible shield kicks in, and maybe just maybe he didn’t hear a thing.

Glancing behind me, I see exactly what I saw before, him putting away tea.

Wow, I survived.

“One box picked up, nothing. Two, nothing. Three, welp I’m safe all right” I think to myself while letting him grow distant from my point of view.

“Hey can you not build a fort out of cereal, I’m saving those for later” I hear behind me.

“Why do I keep running into you? And I don’t even like them!” I say turning around to further explain why it wasn’t done on purpose, even if I’m a bit happy it happened. At least now I know he isn’t entirely oblivious.

“I see about five in your hands, those beg to differ” he says with a smirk.

“Maybe I just didn’t want you to have any, ever think of that?”

“You got me there” he says.

“What cereal would you really pick” he questions.

“Apple Jacks” I say with no hesitation.

“I’d go for coa-coa pebbles.”

“Wow, that’s not what I was expecting at all” I begin to say, then end it with “nice chat” as I see my Mom across the way in front of the milk cooler. I make my way down the aisle as he follows.

“These seem all out of date soon” she says annoyed as Hayden disappears into some back room.

Then low and behold a new one slides down, just in time before a mompage (mom rampage) begins.

“Yes! You’re awesome, this is customer service” she say’s unable to see the person behind it, while I’m eye-level, just enough to catch the wink.

I pretend I can’t see it, and we stroll on.

*****

“you’d think going grocery shopping would get easier as your kids get older, but they still add in goldfish and kit kats whenever possible” mom put’s out into the universe while I sneak in pop-ems.

I have nothing to add to that worth value, so I say nothing as it goes on.

“And why can’t we ever agree on ice-cream, we never even eat it anyways. Well besides the–”

“peppermint” we both say in unison.

“But only the Christmas peppermint” I add with a smile.

*****

“What’s so great about Christmas peppermint” asked by an annoying voice getting mail out of his mailbox.

“It’s a good ice cream– what’s the bother?”

“Heard you talking about it with your mom, was just wondering” he says casually.

“nothing very exciting– just one of our favorites…”

“I feel like you aren’t telling me the whole story, so I won’t keep asking” Hayden says as he keeps the thought in the back of his mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’ve got a really bad habit of ruining things for myself.

Really, I do.

Getting praise for anything sends me into turmoil as soon as something goes wrong, and then I’m not able to dig myself out of this habit of turning everything afterwards to muck.

Sometimes I feel the only solution is to move away, find somewhere new to re-invent myself. Getting away from any negativity by blocking it out entirely, not speaking back to it, or running away from it seems to be my answer. Besides the pointing it out myself beforehand, which I do sometimes.

Then I come to this realization that I am in fact negative as fuck.

Not on other people and what they do, just myself. Although 80% of the time it can be justified- me being harsh on myself, that is. Quite a lot of things lately have gone to hell and back.

It seems like that would be a good thing, this criticism we all put on ourselves because it pushes people to do better… but then there’s the fact that 80% of the time nothing is ever perfect, for anyone.

There are way more lows than there are highs. This goes for everyone. Think of the person you love in a TV show, what are they best known for? The TV show… but what about after that show is over? Or think of the person in your class who always gives A performances, yet stumbles once. What one do you remember? The stumble– they remember that too.

It’s not worth the time– beating yourself up over what you haven’t gotten over yet, but you’ll still do it because you’re feeling like nothing can go right. And whatever emotion felt is intensified more than it will be in 24 hours.

Just remember that EVERYTHING can go to shit, literally EVERYTHING, but you are in charge of where you go afterwards.

Make everything afterwards the best memory you can possibly turn it into– just DO it (as Shia Labeouf would say). You have nothing to lose, just remind yourself you have nothing to lose, put on a smile (a real one) and go make some progress in the direction you want to go in.

Starting again

I want to find joy in every season again.

Fall, winter, the warm months.

I’ve lost it,

But I want to find it again.

Make new memories.

Meet new people.

Have new challenges.

Nothings meant to be perfect forever;

We’re all meant to mess up and get in slumps sometimes.

Nothings wrong with starting again.

Maui Shampoo

I’ve finally used up the whole bottle; I bought this a few months ago back when I had watched Moana for the first time and whenever I saw anything that related to it, I just had to have it.

…Maybe you wouldn’t be able to guess that despite the brand being called “Maui.” *this here is sarcasm*

I was also really into pineapples- so reading that there was pineapple extract in it made me go for this one 🙂

I think it was also during the time I was really into vegan products (am not a vegan, but do still like trying vegan things), and this also just so happened to be vegan.

The bottom portion of my hair has been dyed a few times, from coppery shades to blonde to brown and fading all in between… I like to avoid dyes and all, but I found myself really wanting to protect my hair considering how much I felt I put it through… this sounds contradictory, but I still believe dyeing hair all the time still isn’t the best idea in the long run.

No irregular amounts of hair falling out or split ends, just thought I’d try it out and I liked it a LOT.

Call this what you want, a review, a random post about a shampoo I love, or a rant about my hair, I thought I’d share that I like this product and will be buying again. ❤️

A New Addition To My Addiction

I finally added another lip to my collection of makeup that is forever a favorite– the Dior lipglows.

I am a BIG fan of these.

The new edition is the shade Berry, and I’m into it.

The first one I tried and reviewed was the pink one which you can find here.

I now have two of them and I love them a lot. This might be the first lipstick anything (besides the Lancôme lip lover gloss – RIP) that I actually want to buy every shade of.

The quick sum up of these are that they give your lips a lit from within glow, they are sheer, yet buildable, and they morph into your own perfect shade in whatever color you choose. Don’t believe me? Here is the before and after:

BeforeAfter

I say give at least one a try – I get the hesitation due to the price tag ($34), thus why I waited nearly a year later to buy another one, but, if you are into having a little “glow” whether it’s foundation, eyeshadow, what have you… why not try it on your lips?

As cheesy and odd as this may sound these have been a life-changer for me and I’d hope maybe they would be for other people too.

And yes, yes I am saying that about a damn lip balm.

Love,

Nat 💖

Conquering Chloe: Chapter 5

All of a sudden the light beamed in from sunrise.

Waking up, 7 AM at your own will is not something that should happen on a Saturday.

But at least it’s a pretty sight.

*****

Raising in her bed, using her thumb to peer through the blinds, a melt of orange and blue waved to her.

Chloe wanted so badly to sleep, but couldn’t find a way to get back to it. 2 AM wasn’t the time to be up and neither was this.

Nevertheless, mom’s going to walk in at some point once 9 AM or so hits… turning on the light… always mentioning how she doesn’t get to relax yet searching for any ounce of busy work on an off day.

I’m happy to spend it with her, even though every other teenager might wail about it.

We’re supposed to go to the market today, and by the time she tries to wake me up I’ll be downstairs eating waffles.

I look in the mirror facing my direction and raise my eyebrow.

“Are you sure you want to get up now?”

I throw on some clothes I randomly grab from my dresser, a pair of light wash jeans and a white t-shirt – green converse to go with it. As far as the hair, I’ll pull it up in a ponytail after I wash it… I don’t normally try so hard with my hair, but today I feel like doing something.

Sure enough, as I make my way down the stairs, no one is to be seen, except the remainder of the sunrise; greeting me and my microwaveable waffles I just pulled from the fridge.

Normally I’d sit in front of the tv, but instead I place myself at the island in the kitchen, scrolling through my phone.

There’s a bunch of pictures from 6 or so hours ago… random quotes the sleepless post, before and after party pics, an odd photo or two of a dog; that one I’m not complaining about.

Making my way back to the fridge, I open it to find the last piece of breakfast – orange juice. Closing it, I find my mom with a puzzled look on her face.

“You’re up?” She asks questioningly.

“Yes…?” I respond back, once again with a raised eyebrow.

“I couldn’t sleep” I add on after.

“But you were up until 3, I thought you would’ve been sleeping in till 11 today.”

“No, that’d be lucky but it wasn’t going to happen” I respond a little sad.

I don’t know where this came from, sleep deprivation, maybe?

“I was going to make pancakes” she says with the spatula in her hand, pointing to the clock and adding “it’s 8:00 AM. You actually got up at 8:00 AM on a Saturday. Are you sure your my child?”

“Yes mom I’m sure” I say with a smile.

“Maybe I’m just excited for today.”

“You should be, I have a lot planned

“ She says as she grabs the mix from a cupboard under the microwave.

****

Conquering Chloe: Chapter 4

So tonight Hayden will be here at 6, and mom doesn’t get home until 8 or so since she normally goes to my aunts for dinner.

I shut the door behind me.

Looking to my left in the freckled mirror, I brang my hands to the side of my face stretching it out.

Why did I agree to this?

I quickly turn back around and peer through the curtain hiding the front doors mini window.

Ah yes, he’s gone.

And he’s not looking back…

oh nope, he looked back.

I ducked down just enough to catch a mini smile as he turned his head away and I sank halfway to the floor finding myself with a slight grin.

Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing.

*****

I push myself up from the couch. It’s 5:30, Hayden will be here soon and popcorn is calling to be made.

Snacks are calling to be eaten.

Warning signs already flashing at the thought of someone new coming over to my house.

Movie theater butter popcorn it is, always.

“Knock knock knock” I hear as I click the play button for the movie. Turning around, I give a wave through the massive living room window as I open the curtains.

“Soooo whatcha think?” I ask excitedly.

“Of not being let in” he questions with a raised eyebrow and a smile.

“No, of my skills” as I throw a piece of popcorn in the air to catch it.

“10/10.”

I turn back around.

Knock knock knock.

“Yeeees?”

“Why am I not being let in again?”

“I never said I was going to let you inside of my house…”

“Oh, you can’t be serious.”

“Ohhh, but I am.”

Just then I hear someone walk through the side door; my mom, as Hayden dives into the bushes guarding the window. Nice.

“Hi, how was your day?”

“Oh good, you know, how school is…?” I reply more awkward than normal knowing there’s an invisible neighbor behind me somewhere.

“Heard you ran into Mrs. Myrtle today…” she always knows something even when she “doesn’t.”

“Oh did you—“

“Yes, and she told me you were with a boy.”

“Oh that’s what you got from it?” I said with a hint of nervous in my voice afraid the rock incident would be brought up.

“Yes actually, why is there something else?” She asked.

“No, no…”

knock knock knock.

“Oh, Hi Hayden how are you? It’s been forever!”

“Good, I just came to drop off this cake my Dad made. He thought it’d be a good way to kick off the school year.”

She looked at me with her mom vision.

Oh she knew about the rock thing, the totally accidental rock thing.

“Hey, actually it’s not late stay for a bit it looks like Chloe’s going to put on a movie anyways. You remember her right?”

“Wow mom, thanks.” I think I’m my head as I drown in all the endless possible nightmares that could occur from this one night alone.

“I think I can stay for a little bit, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

He sits right next to me, on the other end of the couch.

Oh I’m so sure.

As my mom disappears to do some returns at the mall, I gravitate to the floor where I feel more comfortable watching the movie on my stomach and elbows.

“You okay” I hear a deep voice ask from across the room.

“Yes?”

Silence.

“At least she didn’t walk in on you locking me out” he went on,

……

“For all we know.”

“You just had to add that at the end didn’t you?” I say as I finally turn to look at him in the eyes.

I’ll Never

I’ll never amount to her level of perfect, I know.

I’ll never have her boobs, I know.

I’ll never have her blue eyes or sun-kissed hair.

I’ll never have her perfect teeth.

I’ll never have her care-free laugh.

I’ll never have her..

her…

I’ll never have her memories of you.

I’ll never have her dozen or so pictures with you.

I’ll never have the spontaneous trips with you.

I’ll only ever have the “what if,” whether or not she always has you.

Because I was too afraid of being in the way.

And maybe we weren’t meant to meet anyways.