***This was written in early May or late April I believe. I just found it on my phone. Don’t look too deeply into this please… Just me getting my thoughts out at the time.***
You’ve got it
engrained in my mind That I’m just someone occupying your time
If you really love me why did it take you a month until I said something to realize all your things were gone
Now I’m lying in my bed wondering where it all went wrong
But I know the answer
We weren’t there we weren’t there
I was just a girl to replace her
You’ll find one to replace me too
That’s just what you do, that’s just what people do
Well it hurts my heart
And I’m falling apart
Was I ever really falling together
All it felt like was rainy weather
You’d let me go knowing I didn’t feel the same
Happy like I was when you picked me up for our date
Then you question why I’m mad as I leave
As soon as I grabbed the door you turned the key
Wait for me
Wait for me
Don’t wait for me
I can’t breathe
Our relationship was founded on me not wanting to be alone
For that I’m sorry
But along the way as I grew fond
You faded away
That was my mistake
No, that was our mistake.
I found our photos in the back of the left drawer
I didn’t hang them on the wall
Maybe that was a sign then after all
the second I thought I should
You decided you weren’t in this
As I sit on the floor I contemplate if there’s even something to miss
You and I both know there is.
But I wonder who’s memories are better
You say yours are
But you couldn’t remember me after December
The last 3 outta 4 months have been nothing but bad
After telling me you love me
After telling me you don’t want to leave
After saying I could trust you
After saying it was me you want to keep
“Yet give it 12 days you’ll get over it
If I decide I want to let you go”
But honey, this is a two way road.
After I told you the last straw, was the last straw
And I had to stick to my word where it didn’t belong
I tried to get out you pulled my arm…
And god I wanted to love you
So badly it physically hurts
But I can’t let someone have so much power over me
When bridges have been burnt you can’t force someone to love you
Or yourself to love someone else
That’s why my feelings always got placed on a shelf
The fear that it was the wrong person or that I was the Wrong person
When i decide I want to love you, I get a reason not to
This time was worse
This time it was my own name I cursed
I can’t take back my word
I can’t take back my word
I said as you stared me down
“Oh look, the building across the street is finished now”
I tried to lighten the mood
It was too far gone
And you know what else, we never found a song.
Maybe it’s time we move along
We both know it’s best to move along
But you want to hold on
And I want to hold on, at least until I can write a good song
I love you, I really do
But it’s something in the way you try to sooth
For the first time I cry, for you to see just what’s happened to me.
I’m not perfect, but neither are you.
Although you had no idea what to do.
You put your hand on my knee, for a second it comforted me.
I think I scared you though.
You realized for me it wasn’t just words I spoke
The actions were there too
You know now that I love you
But I can’t stay if I’m not promised you’ll do the same.
I logged into WordPress wanting to post a blog, realizing I haven’t posted in a while and then stumbled on a notification saying I’ve been on this site for two years.
Wow, I mean wow.
I am absolute crap at posting (although in my defense I’ve been trying to upload a YouTube video and failing completely due to the editing system I was using) so in order to make that up and to have you all get to know me a bit better I decided to post a Q&A.
I hope it’s fun to read haha– it is sort of a long post, so bare with me. Or, disappear while you have the chance. 🙂
Hereee we go:
- Do you have any siblings?
Yes, i have one 19 year old sister. We are fraternal twins, she has blonde hair and blue eyes whist i have brown hair and brown eyes.
2. How old are you?
I’m 19 & my birthday is on the 13th of October.
3. What’s your height?
5ft 2″ i think…
4. What’s your top/dress size?
I’m a 2 or 4 depending on the store I go to.
5. Do you have any diet plans/tips?
I don’t. I should, but i don’t. I sort of just eat whatever i feel like but food that’s bad for me tends to be number one. I’ve been eating a lot more fruit recently and trying out new recipes which reminds me i want to share one soon– so we’ll have to see how this pans out.
6. Do you workout/How do you stay so slim?
This is going to sound terrible, but i don’t. I have a high metabolism which allows me to stay slim (this will most definitely change in a few years) although at one point I did do yoga in High School. I do really want to start exercising though, lately I have been walking too! So a point for me haha.
7. Do you have any pets?
I have a dog that’s a wheaten terrier named Riley who I also call Bubba sometimes. He is the best dog, I love him to pieces even though he’s 12 and STILL acts like a puppy. That’s what I love about him though.
8. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
This will sound boring..but nothing. I like organizing from time to time– that stresses me out/ reaxes me lol. Majority of the time though I’ll be watching YouTube videos and maybe reading.
9. Who inspires you?
So many people inspire me. I can’t pick one. Ii get inspired from everyone to be honest, anyone I meet could be an inspiration.
10. What do you feel is your greatest achievement?
Winning a debate against a snooty guy who thought I was nothing but a lollygagging girl. He certainly got a surprise. 🙂
11. What do you value most in life?
The people that value me. Not the fakers. They suck.
12. What do you do?
I am currently going into my Junior year of college (aka University). I worked at school this past year while studying and am working for the same company this summer. Not sure how much longer I will stay– but everyone’s been super sweet and I’ve loved it WAY more than my old job (my Co-workers were great, the customers however tended to be a little interesting).
13. What is your dream job?
My dream job…hmm..my dream job would be a Journalist. I have had a lot of ideas but Journalism is always the one I come back to. Plus, law school is incredibly expensive and maybe a paralegal one day, but first I’m chasing my Journalism dream. Writing, simply anything where I can write would be amazing.
14. Do you make good grades?
Yes. I try my best with everything I do– however, this year has brought on many new challenges such as working while studying and having a new relationship etc.– not that those are setbacks! But with everything being new to me, I had to constantly remind myself to breathe which was a pain in itself but I got my behind back in gear.
15. Do you want to get married later on in life?
Of course, as does every other girl. I have always been a super girly girl. I could talk about makeup forever simply because i find it fun. I also have day’s where I am the complete opposite though–not that either one is a bad thing, I’m just telling you the straight up truth. I would never marry the wrong person just for a wedding– I think it’s best to meet the one that is in it for you (everything about you) and the one you love whole-heartedley too. I hope I get married to someone who is genuinely my best friend and also love that will stick with me until the end. Of course, I don’t want to rush any of that. I personally feel the youngest I want to be married is 27 so I can figure my stuff out and live my life and so that whoever marries me can do the same.
16. Do you have any phobias?
Spiders. I am not a fan of them at all. I also don’t like the ocean. I don’t trust/ know what’s in it and I think its best to just stay far away.
17. Have you ever had a near death experience?
I haven’t really.
18. Do you get mad easily?
No, I don’t get mad easily. But if someone is being a complete idiot for a while, I will get frustrated and upset instead of mad.
19. Heels or flats?
I love wedges, I don’t feel as incapable of walking. haha
20. Favourite moisturiser?
Right now it’s Nivea, it used to be clinique’s dramatically different moisturizer
21. Where do you buy most of your clothes from?
Forever 21 / Pacsun / American Eagle
22. Favorite Shop?
This is annoying but I don’t have a favorite shop.
23. Favorite makeup brand?
Mac (just for the lipstick and currently the MSFN), Too Faced, Urban Decay, and Benefit has never failed me. To each their own reasons as to why I love them.
24. Favorite drugstore makeup brand?
Wet N’ Wild by a longshot. The first makeup brand I ever bought from and right after was Burt’s Bee’s.
25. Favorite nail polish brand?
Essie and Sinful Colors. I always look at the names before I buy them too, I don’t know why, I just find it interesting and I love when I find one that fits the day? I have no real explanation tbh.
26. What was your first makeup item?
My first makeup item was a Wet N’ Wild eyeshadow trio in walking on Eggshells and a Wet N’ Wild lipgloss called “can’t be tamed” that I was obsessed with. It smelled minty and was sparkly.
27. What are you into the most, if you HAD to choose one..Jewelery, Makeup, Shoes, Clothes?
There’s a time when i would have said handbags hands down, but now I would definitely say makeup.
28. What is your favorite shoe store?
29. At what age did you start wearing makeup?
Around 12/ 13 and it was every once in a while but all it was, was brown eyeliner. No mascara, no eyeshadow, just thick brown eyeliner on my waterline. Just try and picture that, and then completely erase that image from your mind ahaha
30. Do you wear falsies? If so which brand?
Nope. They freak me out.
I hope you enjoyed this little Q&A… it was completely random but fun. 🙂
Have a great night/ day, and feel free to answer any of these questions in the comments or in your own post!
Thanks for listening to me. ❤
I want to talk about love for a second. No, I am not an expert on love, that is an absolute fact. However, I know what it feels like, and I know what it shouldn’t feel like.
I know some of the people reading this may be going through a break up, in a new relationship, in a four year relationship, there are many different possibilities. Whatever the case may be, I just feel the need to tell you what I believe love to be, and to help anyone questioning whether they are in it or not, or feel they should be for that matter.
First and foremost: it does not matter if you are in a relationship right now or not. **The first step to loving anyone else is loving yourself first**
What love should feel like:
- When you love someone, their happiness makes you happy, their sadness gets you a bit down and so on. But, that in no way should mean you take it to heart and they rip you up from the insides due to their imbalance of emotions.
- The overwhelming feeling of butterflies when you see them or think of them, yet comfortable when you’re with them.
- You’re always smiling.
- You push each other to be the best version of yourselves. There’s no belittling eachothers ideas or dreams in order to keep the other person around.
- When you say you love them, you mean it 100%.
- You write about them.
- They look at you when you’re not looking at them in a way as if to say you’re the only thing they see. and when you catch them, they smile and look away.
- You get excited when you think of the littelest memory– For instance, when they sat down next to you when they could’ve sat by their friend on the other side of the room when given a chance.
- You want the best for them, even if the best isn’t you.
- You still love them after they’ve gotten a haircut (sounds bad, but some people are only into other people for their looks. Shocker, right? You want to make sure that’s not you)
- You think about them every day and wonder how they are doing.
- They dont leave you to fight your own battles when you need them. You may say you don’t need them, and you may be angry when they try to help, yet they stick around because they know you need them whether you want to admit it or not.
- They do sweet things to cheer you up, bring ice cream when your sick or a pacski on fat tuesday.
- they don’t change the station when you’re favorite song is on that they aren’t too fond of. Instead, they crank the volume up and give you a “what I do for you” look instead.
- They make you feel like all the heart pains you’ve felt before were worth it.
- They respond right away to a text, email, phone call, etc. That’s just common courtesy though too.
- They NEVER comment on your weight unless asked a question.
- They play songs that make you happy when you’re sad.
- They lay with you when you have your monthly enemy and give you chocolate. (okay, this is just a nice thing, what girl wouldn’t want this. Actually funny, because this was me but then one day he did and I oddly felt better).
- When you see them for the first time in a while they pick you up in a hug.
- They write you a note every once in a while to tell you you’re one of the nicest people they’ve ever known. And you believe it.
- They sit and read a book with you.
- You’re comfortable in silence.
- They complain, constantly. And you listen, constantly, because you care.
- They bring you soup when you’re sick.
- They do little things for you that make it feel like you have everything.
- You can feel in your soul that this person understand you. You’re quirks, sense of humor, thoughts, and all.
- You want to look good for them. You’re all about looking good for yourself, but in this case you want to look good so they know how good you can look and that you cared enough to not throw on sweats for once.
- They dont care that you like cartoons and disney movies, they will gladly watch them with you.
- They don’t care if you would rather sit and play a whole 22 levels of a knock-off Donkey Kong game instead of go out to dinner, they will gladly sit there and watch you play it (you also ask them to play, of course, no rudeness here).
- When you look at them you feel like you’re home.
- They make you laugh. If a person can make their crush genuinely laugh, that is a great sign.
What love shouldnt feel like:
- A relationship should never feel like a constant battle.
- You should not rely on them–or any other person– for your own happiness.
- They should never be mean to you. Whether its once in a while or you see it becoming more everyday, there should be no competitions or intentional physical or emotional harming. Ever.
- You hear the words “I love you” and your gut (ALWAYS listen to your gut, I can’t stress this enough) tells you something isn’t right.
- You don’t write about them.
- WHEN EVERY SINGLE THING THEY DO ANNOYS YOU.
- .They buy ice cream for themselves and send you a photo knowing you are sick. They do this with a lot of things come to think of it.
- They say your “boney” after saying you were getting “chubby in the thighs” months prior, and claim it was a joke.*Flashback to “Love Actually” when Natalie was telling Hugh Grant about her ex and sadly, this is a legitimate thing some guys do and say thinking its okay).
- They only act kind and care about you when their friends are around.
- They don’t say sorry. Instead, they flip the situation around on you, so you then reflect two hours later and feel like a hopeless idiot when in reality this is their little manipulative magic trick.
- They complain, constantly. And you listen, constantly, because you care. But if you ever say one thing about yourself, they pretend to fall asleep and/ or change the topic.
- When they seem to pay the most attention to you its when you’re wearing legginggs or any kind of clothing that shows off you’re shape for once.
- They whine when they don’t get something they want. I’m not talking a cute whine, I’m talking about flat out “whhhyyyyyy” the kind of things little boys do, and then throw a fit.
**Disclaimer: I’m in no way saying I know exactly what love is or that these are the only tell-tale signs the person you’re in a relationship with is a yes or no… genuinely just wanted to share my view on a few good and/or bad signs the s/o could be dodging or bringing to your attention.**
Don’t worry if he turns out to be an asshole. No, you arent stupid, and no, hes not the last guy that will ever find you attractive in everything you do. It takes a lot of steps to get past heartbreaks. but you’ll meet the right one, this is just the journey leading up to it. Sometimes, especially if their an asshole, the relationship wont be as hard as you thought to get over.
All the people prior to finding that one person, they are lessons. Take what you like and didn’t like from those relationships and keep it stored in the back of your mind for later. No guy is the same, don’t compare every guy you meet to previous relationships, don’t work based off a mental checklist, but take these things as steps and tics as to what you’re looking for or in need of.
Also, there is NEVER a good time for a break-up, ever. There is always a birthday, a holiday, or some sort of festivitiy. The right thing to do is to not lead them on, not everyone knows the right thing. Sometimes its hard to do the right thing when being put in a position where one may feel powerless, but it will take a giant weight off your chest that you may not have known you were carrying.
If you’ve been under countless stress, back and forths with yourself, sleepless nights filled with tears, etc. know that you are worth more than that. There is someone out there who is looking for someone just like you. It will shock you when you actually meet them, but it happens when you least expect it. They are waiting just around the corner.