mumbo jumbo

I’ve got a really bad habit of ruining things for myself.

Really, I do.

Getting praise for anything sends me into turmoil as soon as something goes wrong, and then I’m not able to dig myself out of this habit of turning everything afterwards to muck.

Sometimes I feel the only solution is to move away, find somewhere new to re-invent myself. Getting away from any negativity by blocking it out entirely, not speaking back to it, or running away from it seems to be my answer. Besides the pointing it out myself beforehand, which I do sometimes.

Then I come to this realization that I am in fact negative as fuck.

Not on other people and what they do, just myself. Although 80% of the time it can be justified- me being harsh on myself, that is. Quite a lot of things lately have gone to hell and back.

It seems like that would be a good thing, this criticism we all put on ourselves because it pushes people to do better… but then there’s the fact that 80% of the time nothing is ever perfect, for anyone.

There are way more lows than there are highs. This goes for everyone. Think of the person you love in a TV show, what are they best known for? The TV show… but what about after that show is over? Or think of the person in your class who always gives A performances, yet stumbles once. What one do you remember? The stumble– they remember that too.

It’s not worth the time– beating yourself up over what you haven’t gotten over yet, but you’ll still do it because you’re feeling like nothing can go right. And whatever emotion felt is intensified more than it will be in 24 hours.

Just remember that EVERYTHING can go to shit, literally EVERYTHING, but you are in charge of where you go afterwards.

Make everything afterwards the best memory you can possibly turn it into– just DO it (as Shia Labeouf would say). You have nothing to lose, just remind yourself you have nothing to lose, put on a smile (a real one) and go make some progress in the direction you want to go in.


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